


New Beginning

by PQFan



Category: Homeland
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-14
Updated: 2014-06-08
Packaged: 2018-01-08 17:46:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 23,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1135601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PQFan/pseuds/PQFan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post S3 finale. Carrie enters the next phase of her life with a newborn baby and new job. Peter Quinn's life also takes a turn as he and Carrie are forced together in new ways.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Carrie is in a meeting with Lockhart, Dar, Scott and Quinn, and in the process of defending a controversial decision she had made when she feels a wet trickle down her leg. A look of confusion washes over her face, which Quinn immediately catches, until she looks down at herself and sees the wet stain spreading on her pants. Her water broke - early, no doubt the result of her high stress job and life in general.

"Oh fuck," was the first thing that came to her and the only thing Quinn needed to hear to send him into action. He quickly begins to gather the papers in front of him.

"I think we're done here, gentlemen. Carrie…time to go."

Lockhart, Dar, and Scott don't catch on as quickly, having been operating as if the impending birth of Carrie's baby would somehow never happen.

"I beg your pardon, Peter, we are far from done…" Dar exclaims sternly.

 _What a dickhead._ "Unless you want Carrie's baby to be born here on this table, yes – we are." And with that, he helps Carrie to her feet and slowly escorts her out the door. The three men still confused, look from one to another trying to figure out what is happening.

With a level head and steady hand, Quinn helps Carrie into his car, gets her settled in the passenger seat, and calls Maggie let her know what's happening.

"Maggie? Peter Quinn. It's go time. Yes, I'm with her now and we're heading to the hospital. Great. We'll see you there."

"Fuck, Quinn. I'm supposed to have two more weeks. I haven't even figured out a maternity leave plan."

"Well I guess you forgot to tell the baby about this."

"Fuck you! This isn't funny - I'm not ready!"

He could now hear the panic in her voice and turns to see the fear in her eyes. He reaches across the seat to take her hand.

"Hey…it's going to be okay. Maggie is on her way to the hospital and she's calling your OB."

Quinn's words don't seem to register with Carrie. Her fears is not about the delivery, it's about everything after. He looks at her again and she still looks terrified.

"Carrie," he says with a steady voice, "listen to me, it's going to be okay."

He didn't know what else to say. He knew she still didn't have a plan for what would come next. Sadly, Carrie still hadn't totally come to grips with the fact that she was having this baby.

Quinn continues to hold Carrie's hand while he drives. She sits in silence, staring straight ahead. She inhales sharply as she begins feeling what she thinks are early contractions. Quinn watches her.

"You know you're supposed to breathe through it, not hold your breath."

"Fuck off," she barks back at him. He smiles and shakes his head in amusement and feels grateful that it will be Maggie in the delivery room with her.

Quinn pulls up to the Emergency Room entrance with a screech where Maggie is waiting. She opens Carrie's door and greets her with a wheelchair and a smile.

"Okaaaay – here we go!" she says cheerfully. Quinn races around the front of his car to try to help Carrie into the wheelchair, only to be shrugged away by her. Maggie then turns to Quinn and gives him a warm embrace. Quinn stiffens and is a little taken aback by the unexpected affection.

"What would she do without you?"

He smiles, awkwardly, then looks down at Carrie. "You're in good hands. I'll see you soon," and he gives her shoulder a squeeze. Carrie looks up at him and smiles weakly.


	2. Home

"They told me it was pretty text book." Carrie says with a smile. She is curled up on her couch dressed in cotton pajamas and her robe, cradling a cup of tea while baby Margo rests peacefully in her bassinet nearby.

"Text book and fast. 15 minutes of pushing and this little lady was ready to come out," Maggie adds as she looks down at Margo and adjusts her blanket.

Franks is busying himself in the kitchen making breakfast for his girls. Quinn stands in Carrie's living room, listening to the three elder Mathisons recall the events of the past 72 hours. Carrie looks tired but surprisingly peaceful. Her hair is pulled back in a loose bun, her face is clear of its usual worry and angst.

"May I hold her?" Quinn asks cautiously looking at Carrie.

Carrie smiles, "Of course."

She rises from the couch and lifts Margo from her bassinet, cradling her close to her chest, still getting used to holding such a tiny, living being. Quinn slips off his jacket and lays it on the end of the couch, then approaches Carrie. She stands in front of him, close enough that their arms now touch and carefully hands the baby to him.

"Support her head…you got her?"

He nods. Quinn is at first stiff and looks uncomfortable to everyone in the room. Give him a semi-automatic and he wouldn't flinch, but holding a living, human being was downright scary. The baby begins to stir so he holds her closer and gently bounces her in his arms. He looks down at her and begins to relax as Margo settles. She is tiny, maybe just over six pounds, with a shock of blond hair peeking out from under her cap. She's wrapped snuggly in her swaddle blanket.

"She's beautiful, Carrie." he says softly.

The baby lets out a big yawn and slowly blinks open her eyes. Quinn tilts his head towards her and his face softens. They sit together a good five minutes, Quinn relaxed in the arm chair staring down at baby Margo while everyone talks around them. All he can think is how lovely and fragile this little girl is and how he will do everything in his power to protect her and her mother. Maggie rises to help her father in the kitchen.

"She likes you," Carrie observes.

"I think she likes being held," he replies not looking up.

Carrie watches them in silence. _He's a good man_ , she thinks to herself, and wonders if he ever had the chance to hold his son. She also wonders how it's possible for a man to commit such cold and heartless acts and still have such tenderness and warmth in himself. Was all that behind him now?

"Did you name her after your sister?"

"Yes. Margaret. Hopefully she'll be just like her someday."

Quinn catches the self-loathing remark and looks up at Carrie to see if she really means it.

"I don't know – I hope she's just like her mother."

Carrie rolls her eyes and smiles, then gets up from the couch and walks over to them. Quinn rises and carefully hands the baby over to Carrie's waiting arms.

"How are things at Langley? What am I missing?"

"Ah you know, same old shit, different day."

"I'll be back in Monday. I need to meet with Lockhart." Carrie bends down to place Margo back in her bassinet and then settled back into the couch. Quinn joins her at the opposite end.

Quinn waits silently, hoping Carrie has started to put a plan in place to care for baby Margo while she returns to work.

"Maggie found me a nanny to watch Margo during the day, and my Dad is going to be around to help out as well." She waits for a response from Quinn, who only nods to acknowledge he's heard her, but not necessarily approve of her plan. He knows telling Carrie that he thinks she should take some more time off will only result in a huge backlash from her.

"It'll be good," she states, but there is a question in her tone.


	3. Welcome Back

Carrie returns to Langley approximately one week after the birth of Margo. To take any more time away from the job she loves would be downright painful for her. She knows she is supposed to be feeling sad about leaving Margo all day in the care of someone else, but if she's honest with herself, she thinks just about anyone else could do a better job at caring for Margo than her. Certainly Hannah, a nanny who has made a career out of child care, seems more capable.

As soon as Carrie returns to Langley, her whole demeanor changes. Color returns to her cheeks, her step lightens, her pulse quickens. Any doubts or concerns she had about leaving Margo at home quickly dissolve. She loves being back in the game.

It's around 7:00p Friday night and she's about to get on the elevator to go home when she hears her name being called.

"Carrie! Hold up!"

It's Quinn, jogging to catch up to her. She hasn't seen him her entire first week back, and she's been looking for him.

"Hey! I've been wondering where you've been…" she chides happily.

"Eh, you know how things go here." He replies with his eyes lowered to the floor. He had purposefully avoided her all week to try to snuff out his true excitement. She's not sure how to read him and decides to not press him this time.

"How'd your first week back go?"

She sighs heavily, blowing some hair away from her face.

"Great!" She sounds surprised at herself.

Quinn smiles and they enter the elevator together. He reaches across her and presses L.

"And how's Margo doing?"

"Great! Truthfully I think she kind of prefers Hannah to me. "

He tries to respond without judgment but his grin looks forced and Carrie knows it. She glares at him with annoyance but keeps her mouth shut until they've exited the elevator and are on their way outside.

"Is there something you want to say to me?" she asks in an accusatory tone.

Quinn stops and turns to her.

"Why do you say things like that, Carrie?"

"Like what?!"

"Margo preferring someone else to care for her?"

Carrie, in her new effort to not bark at Quinn every time he challenges her, takes a deep breath and pauses. _Stop. Breathe. Listen. Respond._

"Listen, I'm doing my best here, Quinn. This parenting thing – it's new, and it's hard, and it's scary. I need all the help I can get because I really don't know what the hell I'm doing. So please don't give me a hard time when I make these casual statements."

This time it's Quinn who stops to breathe. He is trying to be supportive and knows Carrie is in new and unfamiliar territory so is particularly stressed.

"You're right. I'm sorry. I just…I don't like hearing you put yourself down like that. Margo is _your_ baby and she loves _you."_

Quinn is stepping awfully close to crossing the line of between being supportive and judgmental and Carrie is starting to grow defensive.

"Quinn…"

He tries to head off the fight by changing topics. "Can I come see her tonight? I'll swing by the Indian place and pick up some dinner before coming over?"

Exasperated, Carrie folds. "Sure…that would be nice." They stare at each other in silence, both knowing they are avoiding the real issue but desperately trying to be civil. It's a new approach for them both.


	4. Take Out

It's about 8:30p when Carrie hears the doorbell ring. Margo lays quietly in the Pack-N-Play's bassinet and Carrie opens the front door to Quinn standing there with a bag of Indian and bottle of wine.

"About time – I'm starving."

"You're welcome," and he raises his eyebrows. _Carrie, never one to mince words._

They walk into the kitchen, Quinn places the items on the counter and then heads into the living room to look for Margo. Spotting the Pack-N-Play across the room, he heads for it.

"There she is," and he gazes down at the sleeping baby.

"Don't touch her, she just went down."

Carrie meanwhile unpacks the take out and begins to prepare the plates of food. Quinn returns to open the wine and pours two glasses.

"You swear to me you're not nursing, right?" he asks as he hands Carrie her glass.

"Yes, and even if I were it's none of your business."

He shrugs and raises his glass. "Welcome back." And they clink their glasses and take a sip.

They carry their plates to the couch and settle in. They talk about Carrie's first week back until their glasses empty. When Carrie fills them again the conversation shifts to Margo.

"And you like Hanna?"

"Yeah. I mean what's not to like? She's here by 6:30a, watches Margo all day, and starts dinner. It's great."

Silence fills the room again. Quinn pushes his plate forward and leans back into the couch, resting his opened arms on its back. Carrie watches his body relax, his muscles softening around his face and shoulders. She smiles at him.

"I miss you," she tells him gently. "I mean, now that we're not working together as much. We had a good run together."

Quinn looks to her and wonders if her statement is strictly work-related or if it's personal.

"I think Dar has intentionally kept us apart," he suggests.

"What? Why?"

Quinn sighs. "The night in the parking lot with Franklin. He saw me hesitate."

Carrie furrows her brow and looks confused. "I don't understand - what are you talking about?"

Quinn pulls his arms forward off the back of the couch and grasps his hands together, the tension returning to his body.

"He ordered me to take the shot and I hesitated. Someone in my position, with my training…" he pauses. "I let my personal feelings get in the way of the assignment."

Carrie had not ever stopped to think about Quinn's position that night. She was so focused on Brody and proving his innocence that she never once considered what Quinn had gone through. She sits back in silence on the couch, glances across the room and tries to recall the events of that night. Quinn had not been assigned the role of sniper originally, but he ended up behind the gun. He was in her ear as she walked through the parking lot, first urging, then begging her to stop. She remembers getting hit and hearing his voice again, only this time more desperate "pick her up for God's sake." He was beside her in the truck, wrapping her wound. _My God_ , she thinks. Carrie looks at him again, biting her lower lip, sorrow and regret washing over her face. She struggles to find the right words to respond.

"Quinn…I…"

"Forget It, Carrie."

She continues looking at him. He reaches and grabs his wine glass and throws back whatever remains in a final gulp.

Carrie shifts her body and moves closer to him on the couch, then takes his hands in hers. His hands are warm and rough. Quinn turns his head to meet her eyes and bites his lips to stifle the ache inside him.

"I'm sorry," she says gently and lets her apology sit with him for a moment. "I wasn't thinking clearly that night…I didn't realize..."

Margo begins to stir, allowing Quinn the opportunity to break away. He turns his head toward the Pack-N-Play and pulls his hands from Carrie's grasps.

"She's waking up," he says hopefully.

Carrie may be starting to understand him now, but he was not ready to put himself out there again for her. He knew she was still in a very fragile place, still recovering from Brody and in the midst of learning how to be a mother. The last thing she needed was any confusion about where their friendship stood.

Carrie sits stunned as she watches Quinn rise and head towards Margo. He reaches into the Pack-N-Play with both hands, leans over her and gently lifts her to his chest. His face once again softens and he gently rocks her. "How's my girl?"


	5. The Fever

Carrie and Quinn are standing in her office at Langley. It's late, 8:30p, and Carrie slams down her phone after arguing with her father. It's week seven back at work and the challenges of being a working mother to newborn are taking its toll. Margo is feverish, the nanny has left for the night, and Carrie's father, Frank, is home with the inconsolable baby.

"Don't say a word," she barks at Quinn. She throws her hands onto her hips, turns her back to him and glares out the window. _Fuck!_

"I'm leaving," he says and starts for the door.

"What do you mean, you're leaving?!"

"I mean, I am leaving. I'm not standing around here and watching you wallow in your so-called misery."

"My so-called misery?!"

"When are you going to grow up, Carrie? When are you going to stop fucking around and acting like Margo is some assignment to be delegated to someone else to deal with?"

"What the fuck are you talking about? What the hell do you know about being a good parent? Correct me if I'm wrong here, Quinn, but aren't _you_ the one who fucking left your kid for your career?"

Her words sting but he knew this was coming eventually. He stands his ground because he knows he is right here, and she does too.

"I'm doing my best here, so fucking sue me for loving my job," she barks at him.

"Oh save me the bullshit, Carrie. You can talk all you want about how much you love your god damn job, but you still haven't accepted the fact that you have a daughter at home that needs you. And the sooner you fucking face THAT reality, the sooner you'll realize that your job means shit."

They glare at each other angrily.

"That little girl needs you. Not your dad, not Hannah. She needs YOU. So get your shit together and go home."

Quinn turns again and starts heading for the door. _God help me if she doesn't go_ , he thinks.

"Fuck!" she screams. "Quinn…wait!"

He stops outside the door, turns around with a look of irritation.

"I don't know what to do," she admits.

Quinn just looks at her. He knows she is scared shitless, it's all over her face and in her broken, quiet voice.

"You _do_ know what do to, Carrie. You get in your fucking car and you go home."

Later…

By the time Carrie arrives home, Margo is asleep. Frank is beside the bassinet with the baby Tylenol and rectal thermometer resting on the table next to him.

"Hey Dad," she greets him quietly. "Thanks for sticking around. I got it from here."

He stands, comes around to face her and opens his arms to her.

"Come here."

Carrie goes to him and lets her father hug her. They stand with Carrie enveloped in his embrace for a few moments.

"Her fever has dropped. It's back down to 99.2 F. Dr. Thomas said to check it every few hours and stay on top of the Tylenol and Motrin. Call her if you have questions or don't know what to do."

She pulls back and looks at him in the face and nods.

"Carrie, you are not the first mom to be scared or not know how to handle a situation. Okay?"

"Thanks, Dad, " she says quietly and drops her eyes.

Frank gives her another hug, picks up his bag, and heads for the door. Carrie locks it behind him and returns to the living room to sit with Margo. She glances down at her as she sleeps, feels her head, and then curls up on couch. She turns on the TV and begins what she knows will be a long, restless night.

Three hours later, Carrie wakes to Margo's cries. It's not her usual cry of hunger though – this is a different cry and it sends Carrie bolting off the couch and stumbling around the room. She slowly realizes where she is, and turns back to where the bassinet sits, lifts Margo up and immediately notices how hot she feels. She is on fire.

"Shit!"

Carrie pulls off the blanket swaddling Margo and drops it to the floor, and begins pacing the room. Margo is screaming. Carrie cradles her in her arms and lightly bounces her to try to sooth her.

"Fuck!...Fuck! What do I do?"

Margo's cries continue. Carrie brings her into her bedroom, lays her on the bed and looks for her phone to call Dr. Thomas. She reaches Dr. Thomas' answering service and leaves a frantic message, then hangs up. She returns to Margo on the bed, scoops her up, and begins pacing her room again, bouncing the baby and shushing her. _I can't do this_ , she thinks. Carrie remembers the Tylenol in the living room and quickly walks to retrieve it. She rests Margo in the bassinet, measures out the recommended dosage and squeezes it into Margo's mouth, but the baby just coughs, chokes and spits it out.

"Fuck!"

"Okay, okay, okay..." she mutters to herself _._ Carrie frantically looks for her phone again and runs to the bedroom to get it and speed dials Quinn.

He answers, "You okay?" He can hear Margo's screams in the background.

"No. I...I don't know what to do, Quinn. She's so hot and she won't take the fever reducer, and Dr. Thomas isn't calling me back," Carrie cries.

Quinn is up and pulling on his pants and a t-shirt as he listens. He's half way out the door when he tells her, "I'm coming over."

Ten minutes later, Quinn is banging on Carrie's front door. She rushes to open it with Margo still screaming in her arms and her phone cradled under her neck. The pediatrician is on the line. Quinn takes Margo from Carrie and walks into the living room. He cannot believe how hot she is and immediately lays her on the couch and starts taking off the onesie to try to help cool her off. Dr. Thomas talks Carrie through how to take the baby's temp, how to administer the Tylenol so Margo won't choke on it and spit it out. With Quinn holding the screaming baby, Carrie does what she is told and successfully gets the medicine into Margo.

"Take her temperature every 30-40 minutes, Carrie, to make sure it's going down. If it's not, give me call back."

Within 15 minutes, Margo is quiet again and asleep. Her fever has dropped but it's still high. Carrie places her in the bassinet and collapses on the couch. Quinn walks in from the kitchen with two glasses of water and hands one to her.

"Don't I have anything stronger?" she asks him.

Quinn smiles, glad that she's making jokes. He plops himself in the corner of the couch, puts his feet up on the table and lays his head back.

"We're in for a long night," he tells her with closed eyes.

"We?" Carrie asks.

He opens his eyes, looks up at the ceiling, and sighs.

"You'll stay?" she asks.

"I guess that depends on whether or not you want me to."

Carrie is silent again and looking at him. The silence is deafening and he raises his head to look at her, hoping to find some answer in her face. She looks scared, hopeful, and despite the events of the last few hours…beautiful.

"Yes. Please…stay," she tells him.

Quinn drops his head back, exhausted from the day, from the evening's drama, from Carrie in general. Within a few minutes, he is asleep and lightly snoring. Carrie pulls a blanket from the armchair and returns to the couch with it. She nestles herself into the cushions so that her head rests on Quinn's thigh while her back rests against the rear of the couch. She curls herself into a ball and pulls the blanket over her. She lies there quietly, thinking of Margo, of Brody, and what a mess her life actually is. She shudders and almost on cue, she feels Quinn's fingers brush through her hair.


	6. Dawn

Sleep never finds Carrie. Quinn doesn't do much better. He spends the early morning hours worrying about Carrie, and Margo, and how long he can continue this charade of being just a good friend and co-worker. They don't exchange many words all night, but after dosing Margo every few hours, Quinn and Carrie settle back into the couch, with Carrie's head resting comfortably on his lap and Quinn's hand gently caressing her head or arm. It takes every bit of self-control to not let his hand or mind wander to forbidden places. It is a long, angst-filled night but the sun eventually starts to rise.

At around 5:00a, Quinn carefully gets up from the couch and tucks a pillow under Carrie's head, then retreats to the kitchen where he rummages around for coffee. After starting a pot, he heads to the bathroom, closing the door behind him. The click of the door latch catching wakes Carrie. Seeing that Quinn is gone, she sits up to see if perhaps he's in the kitchen. Realizing he's not there, she slumps back into the couch with disappointment and then turns to look at Margo, who is now cooing in the bassinet. Carrie stands and gently lifts the baby to her chest.

"What are we going to do, Mags?" she whispers woefully against the baby's cheek.

Carrie's head is spinning with confusion. She is well aware that over the last several months, Quinn has become more than just a trusted co-worker. Somewhat unconsciously, Carrie has been turning to him time and time again, not just for professional support, but emotional support. They have a partnership…no, a relationship, like no other Carrie has ever had before. She was not used to trusting or relying upon any of the men in her life. Not her bi-polar father, not even her mentor Saul. And Brody…had she ever really trusted him? She thinks she may have loved him, yes. But trusted?

Carrie's relationship with Quinn, on the other hand, was based on trust, and maybe that's why it brought her great comfort. But she and Quinn also had a unique and deep understanding of each other, the worlds in which they lived and worked, and the toll the personal sacrifices had taken on them. He knew when to push her, challenge her, listen to her, and even when to back off. For some reason he believed in her. But their closeness also scared the crap out of her, because she felt it was only a matter of time before Quinn failed her, like all the other men in her life had. But maybe Quinn was the exception.

The sound of a toilet flushing brings Carrie's attention back to the room, and she turns to see Quinn emerging from the downstairs bathroom. His hair is a little damp from the water he splashed on his face. She can see his 5 o'clock shadow coming in, framing his cheekbones and mouth, and his eyes are clear and smiling.

"Hey," he says quietly.

"I thought you left," she says with relief in her voice.

"Nope, still here."

Carrie smiles. Quinn inhales then steps towards her, his hands buried deep in his pockets.

"You survived," he points out to her.

"We survived," she corrects him.

"She seems like she's doing okay," he suggests and approaches Carrie to look down at Margo. His fingers gently graze the baby's forehead.

"Yeah…" Carrie responds gratefully. She looks up to meet his eyes, feeling very blessed.

Quinn feels the familiar ache, averts his gaze and turns towards the kitchen. _Walk away_ , he tells himself.

"You want some coffee?" he asks.

Sensing the awkward tension suddenly between them, Carrie tries to recover.

"YES!" and she joins him in the kitchen.

Opening the frig, Carrie pulls a pre-made bottle from the shelf and drops it in the bottle warmer. Quinn pours two cups of coffee and brings them to the dining room table and sits. A few moments later Carrie joins him with Margo and the warmed bottle, then settles down into a chair to feed her. Quinn watches them quietly and sips his coffee.

"I have an early meeting. You going to be okay here?"

"Yeah. I think I'll wait until Hannah gets here and then call the pediatrician. Maybe bring her in to be checked." They sit quietly. Finally, Carrie breaks the silence.

"Thank you, Quinn…for everything."

He smiles at her, pleased that she feels like he's been helpful.

"You're doing great, Carrie," he reassures her and gazes intently at her.

He takes another sip of his coffee, then rises to go. He looks around for his jacket and finding it, heads towards the door. Carrie stands with Margo still in her arms and follows him. Quinn reaches for the door, opens it, and turns.

"I'll see you later, ok?" He hesitates just a moment before turning again and making his away down the walkway. Carrie watches him. She misses him already.

Carrie returns to work that afternoon. Hannah is home caring for Margo, who the pediatrician thinks is just fighting a bug, and fighting it well. The events of the past 24 hours have Carrie feeling a little weary. Between caring for her sick child and the long, somewhat intimate night with Quinn, she finds her thoughts drifting. _How do I do this….how can I be solely responsible for this baby's life, her wellbeing, and do my job successfully?_ It was not like Carrie to let anything pull her focus away from work, but now that she had Margo, everything changed. And Quinn…what was she doing with Quinn? She kept returning to the hours they spent together on the couch and the feeling of his fingers combing through her hair.


	7. Missing

Three days pass. Carrie has not seen Quinn during this time and begins to wonder if he is avoiding her. She decides to stop by his office before leaving one night, but finds it dark and empty. So she takes out her phone and calls his cell. It goes straight to voicemail.

"He's on an assignment, Carrie." It's Dar. He is walking up behind her, looking ominous as ever.

"I figured as much. When do you expect him back?"

Dar looks at her, pausing to consider his options. Tell her he doesn't know or tell her the truth. He doesn't need another problem on his hands but he knows it's probably time to bring Carrie in on this.

"He's at Walter Reed."

"What?! Why?"

Dar doesn't answer. She squeezes her eyes shut because she know he won't tell her, _fucking CIA protocol._

"Carrie, I'm only telling you so that you don't interfere. Stay out of this."

She knows she's on notice, has been since returning from Iran, and needs to watch her step with Dar. She bites her lips and nods her head in understanding.

"Well then just tell me if he's okay."

"He was in surgery this morning but he's stabilized. It's best we stay away, Carrie. You understand me, don't you?"

_Surgery?!_ Now the concern starts to rise in Carrie's stomach. Dar can see it in her face.

"Carrie…you'll serve him best by staying away."

But she's already gone and getting on the elevator. _Fuck this_ , she thinks, and calls Hannah to let her know she's going to be late.

By the time she arrives at the hospital, it's 6:30p and visitors are not being allowed to the ICU or SICU floors, but one flash of her credentials and Carrie is permitted entry. She knows she'll be reprimanded for that later. She heads to the 7th floor, clears security again, and approaches the nurses' station. The charge nurse, having been given notice of Carrie's arrival from security, greets her.

"You must be Ms. Mathison. Nice to meet you. I'm Betsy Schall, nurse supervisor. You're here for Peter Quinn?"

"Yes, may I see him?"

The nurse walks with Carrie towards Quinn's room.

"His surgery went well and he's stable right now. He should be resting, so please don't disturb him."

Carrie looks through the window into his room and sees a bruised and battered Quinn lying in the hospital bed. He is intubated and on a ventilator. She didn't know what exactly to expect but seeing Quinn like this was a shock. The nurse holds Carrie's arm with concern, knowing full well people often faint at the first sight of their friend or family member.

"May I go in? I won't bother him."

Betsy looks at Carrie and can see that she has only concern in her face and that this visit is personal, not typical CIA business. She opens the door for Carrie.

"Just a few minutes."

Carrie slowly walks into Quinn's room and approaches his bed. Her face contorts again – he looks like shit _. What the hell happened_ , she wonders. She quietly pulls a chair up next to him and sits. She listens to the rhythmic beeps and bells of the machines helping to keep him alive. Carrie reaches under the bed rail and takes Quinn's hand in hers. She caresses it with her thumb, stares at him and thinks of all the times he has comforted her and how ungrateful she has been. _Never again_.

"I'm sorry, Peter…" she whispers with a shaky voice. The tears well up and she bows her head. "I'm so sorry."

Carrie sits beside Quinn's bed a few minutes longer, holding his hand and praying to the Gods above that they help pull him out of this. The door creaks open and nurse Betsy pops her head in the room.

"Ms. Mathison?"

Carrie turns to the nurse and nods. She gives Quinn's hand a final squeeze, stands, then bends down and lightly kisses his forehead.

Out in the hallway, Carrie thanks the nurse and hands her her cell number and asks her to call her when he's awake.

"He's lucky to have you," she tells Carrie.

Carrie smiles. "It's the other way around."


	8. ICU

Twenty-four hours after arriving in the ICU Quinn wakes, delirious and panicked, and begins thrashing. Alarms start beeping as he tries pulling tubes from his body. The nurses rush in, call for back up, and restrain him as best they can, but given his size and strength it's a struggle. Finally, they're able to hold his arms down so one can administer the haloperidol. Quinn's body relaxes once again and he falls back into the bed. The nurses adjust the IV drips and strap Quinn's arms with the restraints so he won't be able to pull the tubing out again.

Later that night, Carrie stops by the hospital. Betsy greets her and gives her the update.

"He had a rough day. He's been very agitated and delusional, slipping in and out of consciousness and trying to pull his tubing out. We had to heavily sedate him this morning."

"Jesus." Carrie looks through the window into Quinn's room and sees him lying there, motionless.

"How long do you think he'll be in here?"

"Hopefully just another day, but if he keeps this up, maybe longer. You know, it sometimes helps the patients if there is a familiar face or voice in the room…to ground them. They start coming out of their sedation and are scared and confused, so having you or another family member here may help."

"He doesn't have any family and I can't really hang out here all day."

"I understand," she says, trying to hide her judgment. "Why don't you go ahead in. Keep holding his hand, and try to talk to him."

Carrie pushes open the door to Quinn's room. He looks a little better today. The swelling in his face has gone down a bit, but he's still intubated and on the vent. Carrie notices the restraints around his arms and flinches, recalling her ECT therapy. _Fuck, Quinn_. She pulls the chair up close to the bed again, takes Quinn's hand from under the sheets and holds it gently. _Where the hell were you? What happened to you,?_ He stirs, his face and hand twitching. She pulls closer and squeezes his hand.

"Quinn? Can you hear me? It's Carrie. I'm right here, holding your hand," she tells him.

There is no response, although his twitching stops.

"You look like shit, Quinn. I don't know what kind of mess you got yourself into this time, but maybe we need to start working together again."

She pauses and watches him.

"What do you think?" She tries to sound light, but her voice is trembling.

She studies the bone structure of his face. She studies his hand, the rough callouses, the dirt and blood still under his nails. She almost feels like she is spying on him.

"Can you hear me, Quinn?" she asks more gently.

She feels ridiculous talking to him, but if there is a chance it can help she'll do it. Carrie squeezes his hand again, lowers her head, takes a deep breath, then stands.

"I'm coming back tomorrow, ok? Like it or not," she tells him and bends down to kiss him gently on his forehead, this time lingering a little longer.

As she leaves, Carrie stops by the nurses' station again and asks Betsy for her email.

"If I email you a photo, could you print it out and put it in his room?"

Betsy smiles, "of course." She jots her email down on a piece of paper and hands it to Carrie.

"Thank you. Have a good night."

Later that night, Betsy receives an email from a Gmail account. She opens the attachment and finds a picture of a beautiful, newborn baby girl with spikey blond hair. She smiles and clicks Print on her computer screen. Betsy retrieves the photo from the printer and brings it along with some tape into Quinn's room. She attaches it to the bed tray and positions it so it's at eye level and near his head, then leaves the room.

Somewhere around 4:00a, Quinn flutters his eyes open. He hears the beeping again and struggles to breathe and starts to panic. His eyes darting from one place to another trying to make sense of where he is and what is happening. A nurse catches the sharp increase in his heart rate from her monitor and rises from her chair at the nurses station, but when she arrives in his room, she finds him calming down and focusing his gaze at the photo taped to the bed tray. She looks at the photo, then at Quinn.

"Peter, my name is Grace. I'm a nurse. You're in the hospital."

He doesn't respond, but his eyes remain focused on the photo.

"Is that your baby?" Grace asks.

His eyes crinkle with a smile and shakes his head 'no.'


	9. Recovery

"Well I see someone is feeling better."

A smiling nurse Betsy enters the room and circles Quinn's hospital bed. She replaces the hanging IV and removes the empty morphine drip, then checks his vitals.

Quinn nods, his throat still sore from the intubation. It has been almost three days since he was brought in on a medevac, clinging to life. Today, he is sitting up in his ICU bed, restraints removed from his arms. The chest tube inserted in his chest remains to help drain fluids and much of his upper body is wrapped in bandages, but he looks remarkably better than he did just 24 hours prior.

"How long have I been here?" he asks with a hoarse whisper.

Betsy stops what she is doing and turns to him.

"You arrived Saturday morning. It's now Monday evening."

_I've lost almost three days._

Betsy reclines the bed and pulls back the bandages wrapped around his ribcage to check the bullet wounds – two to his right lung, plus the one that grazed his right arm. She changes the dressings, then brings him back to an upright position.

"You'll be transferred to the PACU in a few hours. They'll have you up and walking first thing so get some rest."

"The photo – where did it come from?" he asks.

"Oh the baby – she's darling. Your friend, Carrie. She was here every night. I think she would have liked to stay longer but couldn't so she asked me to put the photo someplace where you would be sure to see it."

He smiles.

"Would you mind handing it to me?"

Betsy removes the photo from the tray and gives it to Quinn. He grasps it in his left hand and studies it, then lowers it to his chest, where he hold tight to it.

Carrie returns to the ICU around 7:30p on day three of his hospitalization, but finds his room empty. In a panic, she rushes to the nurses' station.

"The patient in room 11…where is he?"

The nurse at the nurses' station looks up, a bit annoyed.

"Oh he was transferred down to PACU about 40 minutes ago. Head back to the elevator, fifth floor."

Carrie rushes back to the elevator. Moments later, on the fifth floor, she is relieved to find Quinn sitting upright, trach tube removed and breathing sufficiently on his own. A nasal cannula remains in his nose delivering oxygen.

"Peter…"

He turns at the sound of Carrie's voice. He is still very weak but the sight of her standing there in front of him, smiling, lifts his mood and energy level immediately.

"Hey…" he greets her, a smile to his voice.

Carrie goes to his side. She suddenly feels awkward and overwhelmed. Her face contorts and tears begin to well up in her eyes from relief, from fear, and the realization that she cared way more than she thought.

"Whoa," he whispers, "come here," and he pats the left side of the bed with his hand.

Carrie lowers herself so she is sitting on the edge of the bed. They instinctively reach for each other's' hands and hold each other tight. Carrie works to steady her breath and calm down before looking up at him. She smiles broadly and they sit quietly for a moment just looking at each other.

"You disappeared," she tells him.

He nods. She wants to grill him on where he was and what happened to him but doesn't want to upset him and get him riled up. She is pretty sure, though can't confirm, that he was off on a black ops assignment for Dar. Despite his effort to pull himself out of the dark and clandestine side of CIA work, he owed Dar big for the fuck up at Javadi's daughter-in-law's house.

"You can't do that again…just disappear," she gently scolds him.

Quinn watches her and squeezes her hands weakly.

"I'm done," he whispers. "It's over."

She nods with her eyes lowered. They continue to sit in silence.

"I got the photo," and he turns his head toward the bed tray on his right. "Thank you."

Carrie smiles at him.

"She missed you…I missed you." Quinn studies her face and sees that she is very sincere.

"The nurse told me you visited."

Carrie nods.

"You were in pretty bad shape. I was worried."

"I'm better." He takes a deep breath. "But I think I need to take some time off. For rehab…and think things over."

Carrie nods again. She is relieved to hear this.

"Of course," she agrees. "I'm sure Lockhart will understand."

"You're still going to Istanbul next month?" he asks her.

"I've been doing some thinking myself," she tells him. "And I've made a decision. I'm going to pass on the opportunity. I know it probably won't come my way again, and maybe I'll come to regret it, but…I think I am where I need to be right now."

Quinn is visibly pleased. He nods in confirmation.

Carrie and Quinn continue to sit in silence, holding each other's hands until a nurse enters the room and asks Carrie to step out while they check his wounds.

"Of course," she tells her. She releases his hands and stands to leave.

"Listen, I need to get home."

"Sure," he tells her.

"I'll come by tomorrow, ok?"

"I'd like that."

Carrie slowly bends down and kisses Quinn on the cheek, pauses and gazes at him, then turns to leave. He leans back in his bed, grimaces from the pain, and closes his eyes. A feeling of peace washes over him.


	10. Window Seat

Carrie reaches her car in the parking lot, slides herself inside and closes the door. She sits quietly for a moment, then places her shaking hands on the steering wheel. Her chin quivers, her throat tightens, and the tears finally come. She had been holding herself together so well during this visit with Quinn, trying so hard to be brave and strong for him, as he had done for her so many times. But now that she was alone in her car, all the anxiety, fear and relief came washing over her. She sat for a moment and let it all go. This pain, this concern, it was intense. Too intense.

Moments later Carrie's phone rings. Wiping the tears from her face, she answers.

"Hello?"

"Carrie, it's me," says Maggie.

"Hey…" she says quietly, trying to refocus.

"Are you alright? You sound terrible. Why haven't you returned my calls?" Maggie's tone is more alarming than she intends it to be.

"Yeah, sorry. It's been a rough week." Carrie had put off calling her sister, hoping to avoid having to lie to her about Quinn's hospitalization.

"Can we see you tomorrow? The girls would love to see Margo, and you. So would Bill and I."

"That would be nice. Tomorrow morning…breakfast?"

"Sounds great."

Carrie hangs up her phone, starts her car and heads for home.

They arrive at Maggie's house around 9:00a the next day. Ruby and Josie run to greet them at the door and immediately surround Margo in her car seat, which Carrie places on the floor.

"Where are my hugs" Carrie begs with her arms open to the girls.

The girls quickly hug Carrie and then return their attention to Margo. The four of them slowly make their way to the kitchen, where Bill is busy making breakfast.

"Hey, sis!" he gives Carrie a warm embrace.

Maggie follows and pauses in front of Carrie with her hands on Carrie's shoulders and scans her.

"You look too thin. Are you eating?"

Carrie scoffs at Maggie's concern and skirts around her, placing Margo and the car seat on the kitchen table.

"I'm fine! Just losing the baby weight, finally."

Carrie pours herself a cup of coffee and turns to face Maggie, who takes her hand and walks with her to the window seat in the adjacent room. The sisters sit facing each other, their hands hugging their warm cups.

"So how have you been…and why are you blowing me off?" Maggie asks her with a smile.

Carrie looks out the window and exhales.

"I'm good…just, you know, work is crazy. But Margo is great. She rolled over the other day."

Maggie smiles, tilts her head and looks deeply at Carrie. Carrie faces her sister again.

"Have you seen much of Peter lately?"

Maggie has always liked Peter. Sure he's a little dark but he has always seemed to have Carrie's best interest in mind and has certainly been an enormous help to her these last six months.

Carrie pauses to consider how best to answer Maggie, knowing she cannot reveal Quinn's injuries and hospitalization.

"Yeah…our paths still cross on occasion at work, and he's come over with dinner a couple of times."

The sisters sit in silence. Maggie knows her sister well enough to sense that Carrie is holding something back. She waits patiently for her to speak.

Carrie glances up at Maggie. "How do you know you're ready…to trust someone?"

"What do you mean?" Maggie presses.

"I mean…when you met Bill, how did you know you could trust him?"

Maggie sits back a bit and glances out the window.

"I don't know. I guess part of me felt like he was different than anyone I had ever met. He never once gave me any reason not to trust him. He was always genuine and honest…right from the start. That's never changed." She looks at Carrie, who nods deep in thought.

"Is this about Peter?" Maggie asks.

Carrie looks down at her coffee.

"He's a good man." Carrie says looking intently at her sister. Maggie nods in agreement.

"I just…I look at him and think…is today the day he leaves? Is today the day he gives up on me and disappears?"

Maggie reaches out to Carrie and grasps her free hand.

"Oh, Carrie…no. Why do you think that?"

"That's what mom did. She just…gave up. And not just on dad, she gave up on us! How do I know he won't do the same to me? Just give up on me and leave?"

Maggie gives Carrie's hand a firm squeeze.

"I guess you don't ever know that for sure, Carrie. But part of life and being in a loving relationship is taking risks…and having faith and trust. I know it's scary but the alternative is to live a life of loneliness. As far as I can tell, Peter has been nothing but honest and good to you…right?"

Carrie nods.

"Have you spoken with him about this?" Maggie asks.

"No..." she scoffs.

Maggie smiles and pulls her hand away from Carrie and takes another sip of her coffee.

"Well then I think you're having this conversation with the wrong person." They look at each other and smile.

"You need to speak with Peter, Carrie."

Carrie processes Maggie's suggestion and nods. She knows Maggie is right. But the idea terrifies her. She knows Quinn cares about her, he has shown that repeatedly. But she has always been able to keep him at arm's length. But the emotional distance between Carrie and Peter was quickly shrinking and becoming harder for Carrie to maintain.

"Listen, I'm off today. Why don't I take Margo? The girls would love the time with their baby cousin and you can go see Peter, okay?"

Carrie smiles at her sister and nods, then reaches over and hugs her.

"Promise me, Carrie."

"Yes, okay – I promise."


	11. Truth

Carrie leaves Maggie's house, gets in her car and calls Peter's room at the hospital.

"Hello?"

"What do you want for lunch – I'm coming over," she asks him.

"Surprise me," Quinn suggests, a smile creeping across his face.

Carrie smiles. She likes that he plays with her this way.

"How are you feeling?"

"Pretty good, actually. Had a decent night's sleep. They're moving me out of here and onto a regular patient floor."

"Well that's good news."

"Yeah, I think so."

"Okay, well I'll find us something to eat and see you in a bit."

Carrie hangs up the phone and feels a sense of relief knowing that he is on his way to recovery.

After picking up sandwiches, Carrie arrives at the hospital and is directed to Quinn's new room. She finds him sitting in a chair watching the news.

"Well look at you!"

He turns at the sounds of her voice and smiles. Her presence brings him immediate joy and temporarily masks the pain from his injuries.

"Hi," he greets her with a smile. He stands, slowly, wincing from the pain.

"I didn't expect to see you out of bed," she tells him as she walks into the room.

"Yeah, they removed the chest tube early this morning and have me up and moving."

Carrie places the sandwich bag on the table between them, then pulls two plastic cups and a beer bottle from her messenger bag, glancing around to make sure no one is near to see. Quinn raises his eyebrows with a look for surprise.

"Carrie Mathison, never one to follow the rules," he chides.

"I figured we need to celebrate."

"I thought you just wanted to get me drunk and take advantage of me," Quinn teases.

He slowly lowers himself back down in to the chair and unwraps his sandwich. Carrie pours the beer and disposes of the bottle in her bag. They raise their cups to each other.

"To your recovery," Carrie offers.

"How about to the future," Peter suggests. "To a better future." Carrie likes this and raises her glass again.

"To a better future," and clinks her cup against his.

They watch each other as they drink, then bite into their sandwiches.

"Speaking of future…" Carrie starts. "What's your plan?"

"Other than getting the hell out of here?"

"Yeah, I mean. You said the other day…this was it. No more…..right?"

"I know. And I meant it."

Carrie swallows and stares at him with a sullen look on her face. She waits for his to expand on his thinking but he remains quiet.

"Listen, I know you can't talk about whatever is was you were doing that landed you in here…"

"Then don't ask," he says gruffly. His face darkens.

She sits back in her chair and looks at him a little hurt and annoyed. His defense was suddenly up.

"I'm not. I just, I need to know you're serious about this."

He stops eating and looks at her, wondering why she's pressing on this all of a sudden.

"I'm out. This was it and it's done. I'm done." He looks down at his sandwich and begins eating again.

Carrie nods, quietly, then looks down at her sandwich. An awkward silence fills the room. Carrie wishes she felt more relief but his attitude about the whole thing has her more concerned.

"So what do you think you'll do?" she asks.

"I'm taking a six month disability leave. I figure that gives me some time to figure out what's next. I've never had that kind of time before so I'm not sure whether it's a good thing or not. I don't know…."

"But no more work with Dar?" she asks.

He stares with a look of annoyance on his face.

"Why are you pressing me on this, Carrie?"

"Oh I don't know…maybe because you nearly died this time around? Maybe because I know in your heart and soul you hate the work?"

"Is that it?" he asks.

Quinn was done with playing things carefully with Carrie. The outcome of this latest assignment was bad, and forcing him think and act differently. He was ready to push her on their relationship.

Carrie looks past him and out the window. Then stares back him calculating the risk of telling him the truth.

"I don't want to lose you," she says very matter-of-factly. There. It was out now.

He stares back at her, somewhat shocked and somewhat scared of what she may say next.

"I can keep pretending that you're a just a great colleague, that your work and service are more important than anything else. But it's a lie….and I can't…I can't do that anymore," she says shaking her head.

"Seeing you hooked up to all those machines…I thought I was losing you." Her voice begins to tremble.

"And…I don't know what THIS is…what WE are….I really don't. But I do know that the thought of you not being here, not having you in my life makes me feel empty and scared and awful. I haven't slept in a week. All I could think about was you…what happened to you, would I ever see or talk with you again. And had I lost my chance."

"Carrie…" he reaches out and grasps her hands.

She tries to catch her breath but the words keep spilling out of her.

"And at the same time, I am TERRIFIED of all this. I am terrified of feeling this way, of the idea that I care for someone so much that I can't sleep at night."

"Carrie, stop…" he pleads.

"I'm a mess…my life is messy… and..."

"Carrie, stop…please…" he says again, this time a little firmer.

She stops talking and looks at him with tears welling up in her eyes. Moving closer so that he's now sitting directly in front of her, Quinn raises his hand and brushes her cheek with his thumb as if to smooth away the fear he sees so clearly in her face.

"I'm scared too. I don't know how to do this either. But I know I want it. I want you…all of you and all your mess."

"It's not that simple…" she warns him, shaking her head in disagreement.

"No, it's not. I know that." He holds both her hands in his and squeezes them. "But your illness doesn't scare me, Carrie. "

"It's should."

"Carrie, I've seen it. I know that it's dark and ugly. And I know I'll see it again. But your illness alone does not define you. Do you understand that? Yes, it's a part of you just as the atrocities I've commited are a part of me, but if we let these things solely define us than we're forever stuck in a living hell. Your illness, it's just a piece of you and without it, you would not be the person you are…the woman I…"

Quinn hesitates and wonders if he's said too much. He looks into Carrie's eyes again. She looks terrified and hopeful at the same time.

"The woman I love."

Carrie's face crumbles, the tears come. Quinn leans over and pulls her into his arms, his hands hold her close, his lips kiss the side of her face. They sit quietly together, holding each other.


	12. Transition

Quinn doesn’t wait for Carrie to say “I love you,” back to him because he knows it’s unlikely she will. To expect her to go there would be too much after everything she’s been through this year. He knows it will take time. But he feels great relief that she did not pull away from him; that she didn’t flinch when he told her how he really felt. Her actions speak volumes, actually.

Quinn lifts his head and pulls back from Carrie, cradling her face in his hands his gazes at her.

“See…I’m a mess,” she jokes.

Quinn sits back and watches her as she pulls a tissue from her bag and wipes the tears and make up from her eyes.

“I wouldn’t want you any other way,” he tells her, smiling. “We’ll figure this out.”

She nods and smiles at him. He knows he will have to constantly remind her that she can trust him. He will be the stronger of the two, the more assured in their feelings for the other.

There is a knock at the door. A respiratory therapist and nurse walk in.

“RT time, Mr. Quinn.”

Carrie raises her eyebrows and smiles at Quinn. “Mr. Quinn?” she jests. She moves to gather her things.

“You can stay,” the RT tells her. Carrie turns to Quinn.

“I’m just going to call Maggie and check in on Margo. I’ll be right back.” She grabs her phone and exits the room.

Quinn and Carrie spend the rest of the afternoon together. She walks with him up and down the hall as he gets his exercise, she observes his respiratory therapy, they play chess and even Skype with Maggie and Margo. 

“You see, she misses you,” Carrie tells Quinn after Skyping. “Her whole face lit up when she saw you.”

“You sure that wasn’t her reacting to all the beeps and bells in the background?”

“Don’t sell yourself short, Mr. Quinn. She knows who you are.”

He smiles and bows his head. He was relieved when Carrie decided to keep the baby and raise her, but he was not sure how he would feel once the baby was born. After all, this was the child of a terrorist, a man who did horrendous things to Carrie. And maybe had Margo been born with red hair, instead of blond, it would have been harder, but the truth was that Quinn had fallen in love with her like she was his own. From the moment he first held Margo, his heart melted and he knew he would forever be bonded to this little girl.

“I miss her too. Once I’m out of here, I’d like to see her.”

“I think I can arrange that.”

Quinn lays back, upright in his bed. He looks at Carrie, sleepily, then closes his eyes, tired from his first full day of rehab. Carrie pulls her chair up closer to him and takes his hand again. She combs his hair with her other hand and lightly brushes his cheek, bringing a smile to Quinn’s face. It’s not long before he’s sleeping.

Carrie looks at her watch and see’s that it’s much later than she realized and she needs to pick up Margo. She gently slips her hand from Quinn’s and picks through her bag to find a pen and scribbles a note to him on a scrap piece of paper, then tucks it under his hand. She rises and places a kiss on his warm cheek, pausing a moment to watch him sleep. _Thank you, God_ , she thinks to herself. She then leaves.

Quinn is discharged from the hospital two days later. He returns to his empty apartment with little fanfare. His place looks and feels even colder and more barren than ever, and he feels little joy in being there. He stands in the cavernous foyer and the emptiness starts to creep back into him. If it weren’t for Carrie, no one would even know if he were gone. No one would even care.

He unpacks the supplies and pain meds from the hospital, lining them up carefully on the kitchen counter. Then pulls open his refrigerator door. It’s empty except for a bottle of water, a few beers, and moldy cheese, so he retreats to the bedroom to rest.

Quinn wakes to the sound of his doorbell ringing. He glances at the clock – he’s been asleep for four hours. Startled, he tries to rise quickly from the bed but the shooting pain in his chest and arm remind him he’s far from recovered from his injuries. He pulls himself up slowly and walks quickly to the door, glancing out the window to see it’s Carrie.

“What the fuck, Quinn? Why didn’t you answer my texts and phone calls?” she asks angrily, then quickly realizes by the sleepy look on his face that he must have been asleep.

“I was sleeping and lost track of time…”

She immediately feels apologetic for being so aggressive and tries to backtrack.

“I’m sorry…I was just worried.”

He forgives her because he knows she will always worry. Worry that he’s left, given up on her, or dead in a dark alley.

“I know,” he says. They gently reach for each other and embrace. It’s becoming more and more apparent that they will have to tread thoughtfully and carefully with each other.

“This place…it’s kind of depressing.” Carrie says as she looks around at the bare, white walls and empty rooms. He doesn’t argue with her because he knows it’s true. There was a time when this lifestyle felt easy, right, and normal. When his work brought him a sense of purpose and power. But now that he was engaged in the world around him, the people around him, it felt both physically and emotionally empty. He picks up the bag he previously packed with a change of clothes and some toiletries and they head toward the door.

They arrive at Carrie’s shortly thereafter and find Hannah sitting on the couch giving Margo a bottle. Margo’s head pops up at the sound of Carrie’s voice and her face brightens with a gummy smile when Carrie reaches for her. Quinn stands nearby, observing the beautiful bond that Carrie and Margo have formed over the last three months. Margo’s blond locks still frame her face and her blue eyes sparkle. With Margo in her arms, Carrie walks to Quinn so he can see her. Margo reaches out to him, and although she is only about 15 pounds, he winces from the pain in his chest when he takes her from Carrie. His sutures are still healing and sore but he holds tight to baby Margo, brings her back to the couch and rests with her on his lap.

“Do you want to finish giving her the bottle?” Hannah asks.

He is a little hesitant, having never done It before, but takes the bottle and places the nipple in Margo’s mouth. Easy peasy. Carrie retreats to the kitchen to fix up some plates of food while Hannah packs her things readying herself to leave.

With Hannah gone, Carrie settles down into the couch next to Quinn, curls her feet under her and watches him and Margo. She can’t help but feel incredibly lucky and grateful. Here she sits with her baby girl, in the loving, caring arms of a man who she trusts with her life and the life of her daughter, whom she thinks she may be falling in love with. She feels safe, she feels at ease. She feels happy.


	13. Chapter 13

After some food and wine, Carrie heads upstairs to put Margo down for the night while Quinn cleans up their dinner in the kitchen. He then finds his Dopp kit and heads into the first floor bathroom. Carrie suddenly appears behind him.

“Hey,” Carrie says quietly. She is standing in the doorway, looking at him in the mirror.

“Hey…just going to change the bandages,” he says to her holding up the gauze.

“Can I help?” Carrie asks.

“Um, yeah,” he says with some surprise.

Carrie steps into the small bathroom, squeezes around Quinn to face him and smiles.

Quinn starts to unbutton his shirt. He is tentative and slow, suddenly feeling self-conscious. Though they have crossed a huge emotional hurdle in their relationship, they have never been this physically intimate and it feels a bit awkward and exciting at once.  Carrie silently watches him, unaware that she is holding her breath. Reaching the bottom button, Quinn slips his shirt off his shoulders and drapes it on the door knob and stands before Carrie. She silently admires his strong physique, but her eyes are drawn to the scars peppering his chest. She wonders what the story is behind them…shrapnel or bullet wounds from past black ops mission, perhaps. Glancing up at Quinn, she slowly begins removing the old gauze pads covering the bullet wounds. Her fingers are warm against his skin and she carefully peals the sticky medical tape from his chest.

“Sorry…” she whispers with an apologetic smile, glancing up at him.

Carrie can feel the heat radiating from his body. Quinn watches her intently, following each movement in her face. He feels her warm breath against his skin. Carrie opens an alcohol swab and gently presses it against his wounds to clean them. Moisture droplets trickle down his torso towards his waist. She takes a clean towel from the wall and wipes the dampness off him. He hands her the antiseptic ointment, their fingers brushing against each other’s, and she carefully redresses the wounds.

She places everything back on the counter and looks up at Quinn, her heart racing. There is a quiet, intense moment between them as they gaze at each other, until he slowly reaches out and brushes Carrie’s hair away from her face. His touch is gentle and loving, like he is seeing her for the first time. He slowly pulls her closer and kisses her tenderly. She relaxes as their lips and tongues cautiously begin to explore each other.

Carrie lightly touches Quinn’s chest, careful of his injuries, and it sends a wave of excitement through him. His kisses deepen. Carrie responds, running her hands up his back and pulling him closer. He is warm and his muscles tense as he embraces her. Their kissing intensifies. His hands run down her back to her hips, pulling her closer so she can now feel his growing erection pressing up against her stomach.

“Carrie…” he exhales.

He knows he should pull back to stop himself from tearing open his sutures, but he can’t.  Carrie ignores his plea, herself lost in the escalating pleasure. She presses herself against him and it nearly sends him over the edge. He finally pulls himself away and looks at her, his breath rapid. He would love nothing more than to take her right there, but he can feel his sutures pulling and stretching his skin.

“I know…” she says, her mouth still reaching up to find his.

Her mouth tugs at his lip one last time, she then steps away, takes his hand and begins to guide him upstairs and into her bedroom. He stops in her doorway, still shirtless, knowing he is about to cross into a world he’s only dreamed of. Carrie turns to him.

“Just give me second,” she tells him.

Carrie retreats to her bathroom while Quinn, still a bit cautious, stands waiting next to her bed. She emerges moments later in her tank top and pajama bottoms and approaches Quinn.

“Just lay with me. I promise I won’t try anything,” she says with a smile.

“Yeah, but I can’t guarantee I won’t,” he counters.

Quinn strips off his pants and lays them at the end of the bed. Carrie cannot take her eyes off him and groans at the realization that this is going to be way harder than she wished. They crawl under the sheets. Carrie curls up against his chest, Quinn’s arm cradles her and he pulls her close. She drapes her leg over his.

“Careful,” he warns.

“Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea,” she whispers, resting her hand on his chest.

He laughs and kisses her forehead. 


	14. The long week

**Chapter 14**

Carrie and Quinn sleep soundly until dawn when Quinn wakes from the pain radiating through his chest.  He slowly slides his legs over the edge of the bed and sits up with his back to Carrie. He had hoped to slip quietly from the bed but Carrie wakes, alarmed to find him upright. She sits up and brushes her hand across his upper back.

“You okay?” she asks sleepily.

“I’m fine,” Quinn whispers, but the pain is so intense he can scarcely feel Carrie’s soothing touch.

Carrie can hear the strain in his voice and leans forward to lightly hug him from behind, resting her cheek on his shoulder. He turns to face her and kisses her tenderly on the lips, then caresses her cheek with his thumb and admires her.

“I’m just going to grab a Percocet.”

Quinn retreats to the bathroom, washes down a Percocet and carefully climbs back in the bed.  His body is tense and Carrie can see it in the darkness of his face. He turns away from her to try to hide the pain, but she circles her arm around him, nestling herself against his back so she is spooning him. Her fingers trace the muscles in his chest, careful to avoid his wounds, then his stomach, and up his arm. She presses her body against his and lightly kisses the back of his neck and behind his ear. Quinn lets out a low sigh and begins to relax again. He can’t resist pushing himself up against her warm body, relishing the feel of her soft breasts against his back. He wonders how long he’ll be able to control the desire and passion coursing through his veins. Despite how broken his body is, every cell in him wants to roll over to explore and pleasure her, and the mere thought of it makes him hard. But he knows he must wait. He slowly turns to face Carrie.

“You’re destroying me…” he whispers with some levity.

Carrie pulls back her hands and kisses him.

“I’m sorry, I just can’t help myself.”

They lay in silence, looking at each other, fingers lightly grazing one another.

“Maybe I should stay at my place for a while…until I’m fully healed,” Quinn suggests as he kisses her.

Feeling disappointed, Carrie says nothing at first, but knows he’s probably right. The last thing she wants is to set him back in his recovery.

“So, what…a day? A week?” she asks.

“A week?” he guesses.

She lets this idea sink in. Since expressing their feelings for each other, Carrie has felt an urgency to spend more personal time with him and hates the idea of delaying things any longer, but knows they have little choice. She nods her head in agreement. Quinn pulls her to his chest again and closes his eyes. He wants to prolong this moment for as long as possible as he knows she’ll be leaving soon.

“There is no harm in us taking this slow,” he reminds her. “We’ve got nothing but time now.”

They lay together for a few moments longer, until the alarm starts buzzing.

-

The week crawls for them both. Carrie works long days at Langley, while Quinn focuses his energy on his recovery.  By Friday, they’re both excited and anxious about seeing each other after work. So it's a great shock to Carrie when she glances up from her desk and catches sight of Quinn heading into a conference room across the way. Her first reaction is confusion - _what is he doing here? Who is he meeting with?_ Followed by worry - _why didn't he tell me he would be here?_ She steps closer to her office door to get a better look but he has already disappeared behind the conference room door.

Carrie spends the rest of the afternoon obsessing about Quinn’s meeting. She finally gives up on trying to get anything done and calls his cell.

“Hey," he answers, "I was just about to call you. When are you heading out?”

Carrie’s nostrils flare with annoyance at his tone and she wonders when he’s going to mention his presence at Langley.

“I’m leaving now. Where are you?”

“My place. You still want me to come over?” he asks, somewhat jokingly as it’s been all they’ve been looking forward to all week.

Carrie pauses, thoughts racing through her head, and manages to a terse response, “Sure…yes. I’ll be there in 20.”

She hangs up.

Quinn knows immediately that Carrie must have seen him today. He had wanted to tell her that he would be on site but things happened so quickly there wasn’t time.  He knew tonight was going to be rough.

-

By the time he arrives at Carrie’s, it’s 7:30p and he is surprised when it’s Maggie greeting him at the door. It’s been months since he’s seen her.

“Quinn – good to see you,” she greets him with a smile and a warm hug.

He once again stiffens from the unexpected affection but returns the embrace; after all, she is Carrie’s sister.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t expect to see you here,” he tells her.

“I know. I’m just picking up Margo for the night. I’ll be out of your way in minute.”

A little confused, he walks past Maggie and towards the living room. Carrie is putting a few final items into Margo’s diaper bag.

“What’s going on?” he asks Carrie.

“Maggie is taking Margo for the night…so we can have some privacy.”

Her face is serious if not dark. He turns to Maggie to get her read on things, but she only shrugs, unclear herself why Carrie is acting so cold.

“Okay, I think it’s all in here,” she tells Maggie, then goes to the Pack-n-Play to get Margo.  Quinn watches Carrie pass Margo off to Maggie.

“We’ll talk to you tomorrow!” Maggie sings as she and Margo leave.

With the house to themselves, Carrie returns to the living room, her arms crossed tight against her chest, and she stares at Quinn.

“You saw me at Langley today,” he tells her.

She nods. Her lips are tight, her eyes dark.

“Carrie, before you jump off the ledge, just listen to me…”

“You were meeting with Dar, weren’t you?” she says with an accusatory tone.

“What? No…”

She is shaking her head in disbelief.

“Quinn…”

“Carrie, I told you I was done there.”

She just stares at him. She feels like the floor is falling out from under her. Her heart is racing, her head is light. Everything she had feared was coming true. He was not just lying to her, he was returning to that dark, clandestine world that would likely take him away.

“Carrie…”

His tone is soft and pleading. He can see her starting to sway, the color leaving her face, so he moves swiftly toward her to prevent her from falling.

“Get your hands OFF me!” she screams at him and yanks her arm away.

She turns to elbow him in the stomach but he anticipates her move and is able to grab her arms and lock them behind her back.

"Don't touch me!"

Carrie continues to fight and scream, but Quinn is too strong and skilled for her and soon has her pinned up against the wall, his hips pressed firmly against hers, his hands still holding her back. It’s taking all his energy to keep her still, to keep her from hurting him and herself. His face is red and a vein bulges from his neck.

“Carrie! I was with Lockhart. I was handing in my resignation!”

He is trying not to scream but his words come out hard and cold.

“You’re lying! I know you’re lying!”

“Damn it, Carrie! Listen to me…I told you...I am done with the CIA!”

She glares at him, her chest heaving. She looks more than angry, she looks crazed. But before she can say another word, Quinn’s mouth is on hers. His lips are strong and hot. She turns her head to escape him but he moves his mouth across her cheek to her ear, his breath hot against her skin.

“Don’t do this…” he pleads angrily.

Though the rage is coursing through her, she feels a rush of excitement through her core. She continues to fight him, twisting her body against his. Quinn presses his hips harder against her and moves his mouth to her neck, covering her with his lips and tongue. Carrie’s body starts to weaken and she turns her head to face him. He looks into her eyes, which are now dilated and full of passion. Their mouths quickly reach for each other and their tongues tangle. Quinn releases Carrie’ arms then grabs her from around her waists and pulls her to him. She reaches up, grabbing his hair in her fingers, and pulls him closer. All the pent up passion and yearning explodes as their mouths consume each other, both unable to touch and taste enough. Carrie grabs at his pant buckle while he yanks her blouse over her head and throws it to the floor. She hastily pushes his pants down his legs and reaches for his growing erection. As he rips off his shirt, Carrie shimmies out of her pants, then maneuvers Quinn cock between her legs. They simultaneously groan as he fills her, then start to move together. She is tight and wet against him and he has to focus and slow his breathing to control himself. But Carrie is still wild with passion and continues to press down on him.

“Quinn…” she breathes against his neck.

Giving in to every instinct in his body, Quinn drives deep into Carrie, causing her to cry out from a mix of pain and pleasure.  They quickly find a rhythm and it’s not long before they’re clinging to each other and crying out each other’s’ names.

Their breathing and movement slows. Quinn rests his weight against the wall, careful not to crush Carrie. He looks down at her and carefully grasps her face in his hands. Her mouth searches for him and he kisses her tenderly. He wants to strangle her and cradle her at the same time, but one look in her tear filled eyes and he just pulls her close and holds her.  She continues to cling to him, her head resting on his chest.

“I’m not leaving you…not even if you try to make me,” he tells her.

Carrie nods. She really wants to believe him but doesn’t know how.


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

Quinn grabs the blanket from the nearby couch and drapes it over Carrie’s shoulders, pulls on his boxers and then scoops her up in his arms. She is physically and emotionally exhausted and allows him this act, folding herself against him as he carries her up the stairs and into her bedroom. He gently places her on the bed, pulls back the covers and crawls under them with her, then brings her back in against his chest. They lay silently, Quinn gently rubbing her back as Carrie traces his collarbone with her fingers. He finally breaks the silence.

“You want to hear me out now?” he asks.

“Yes,” she says in almost a whisper.

Quinn places a hand behind his head and exhales.

“Dar stopped by my place this morning, unexpected. I told him I was done and wanted out, he told me to fuck off. I guess he and Lockhart had plans for me.”

“What do you mean?”

“Dar was pissed…he groomed me and had lined up some important work requiring my skills. Me resigning today was going to make him look bad in Lockhart’s eyes so he told me to tell Lockhart myself, I guess to cover his own ass.”

Carrie leans up on her elbow and considers this. It makes perfect sense. Quinn was a specialized soldier who Dar had invested a lot of time and resources in. Quinn walking away would weaken Dar’s reputation and standing in the agency. The sooner Dar distanced himself from Quinn the better.

“And what did Lockhart do?”

“He also told me to go fuck myself, that I was done in the intelligence world.”

“Yikes,” she says with a grimace across her face.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were doing this?”

“It all kind of happened really fast. I wanted to talk with you about it tonight but when Dar showed up this morning everything just started moving.”

He turns to her.

“You are the only person that gets this fucked up world I live in,” he says softly.

She bows her head and kisses his chest, then his lips.

“When I saw you slipping into the conference room, I just panicked. I thought, ‘he’s lying to me…more lies, more deceit, and…” she stops as her throat starts to tighten.

Quinn brushes Carrie’s hair behind her ear.

“It was less than ideal,” he says.

Quinn turns and stares up at the ceiling and silently curses himself for giving Carrie reason to doubt him.

“You know my Dad is bipolar?” she asks him out of the blue.

“No.”

“Yeah, well, he is, and I won the gene lottery.”

He caresses her back.

“My mother left us, because she just couldn’t deal with him anymore.”

He leans up on his elbow and looks her in the eyes.

“Is that what you think I’m going to do?”

Carrie raises her eyebrows, tilts her head and contorts her mouth.

“Carrie, I’m not your mother. I’m not leaving you.”

She stares into his eyes and feels like she can see his soul, his honestly.

“But I may shoot you again...” he jests.

Carrie smiles and pushes him over so he falls back into the bed. She crawls on top of him and grasps his hands against the mattress. Quinn’s smiles fades and he turns serious.

“I’ve told you I’m not scared of you, or your illness, and I mean it. The only thing I’m scared of is fucking this up.”

She knows Quinn means it. Carrie lays herself down on top of him, her head against his chest, and he reaches around and hugs her. She feels so good in his arms, like nothing, not even her illness, can touch her. Carrie raises her head.

“Come shower with me…” she suggests, and rises from the bed, taking his hand.

They walk to the bathroom where Carrie turns on the shower. The steam slowly starts to rise around them and fill their lungs. They step into the stream and pull each other close as the water soaks their bodies and relaxes them. Carrie lathers her hands with some soap and slowly starts to explore Quinn’s body, enjoying the feel of his taut muscles against her hands. When she is done, Quinn takes the soap from her. He turns her around so she is no longer facing him and using his lathered hands, begins massaging her shoulders and back, relishing the softness of her body. His hands move to her hips, between her legs, then around to her stomach. She lays her head back and relaxes against his shoulder as he slowly moves his hands up her slight body and massages her breasts. Carrie reaches her arm up to cradle his head and presses her body back, melting into Quinn. He gently shifts her body forward, then enters her from behind and begins making slow, gentle love to her. Quinn’s lips are soft against her, his hands loving. Carrie’s entire body aches from the emotions flowing through it. They savor every movement and sensation, until Quinn can hold back no more and in his final climaxing thrusts, brings Carrie to orgasm.

The water continues to flow over them, cleansing them of all the anger, fear, and doubt from earlier in the evening. Carrie turns to face Quinn and reaches up to grasp his head.

“Mmm,” she hums against his lips.

“That’s more like it,” he says to her.

She smiles and opens her eyes to him.

“I’ll take it all.”

 


	16. Chapter 16

Carrie and Quinn collapse in the bed where they stay for the remainder of the night and into the early morning, only getting up to grab some food or drinks from the kitchen. Otherwise they spend the time alternating between tender love-making and wild fucking, neither able to fully satiate their hunger for the other. When sleep does come, it’s from pure, physical exhaustion but it’s not long lasting. 

Around 8:00a, Quinn wakes to Carrie’s hand slowly stroking him. His eyes flutter open. A smile grows across Carrie’s face as she watches him, then slowly moves her body up against his and kisses him on the mouth.

“Good morning…” she says.

“It is…” he replies with a smile, and pulls her closer to kiss her again.

Carrie pulls herself down his body, pausing along the way to explore him with her mouth. Her lips find each scar and every wound, her mouth pulls at his nipples, her tongue traces the path of hair from his navel down to his pelvis, stopping to kiss the pelvic bones that frame his stomach. Her mouth finally finds and encircles his cock, and savors its hard, smooth thickness. Her tongue grazes the length of it before pulling its entirety into her mouth again. Quinn’s eyes roll back in his head and his mouth opens, allowing a low moan to escape. _Fuuuck,_ he groans silently. Carrie loves having the ability to make him lose control, a man who is normally so calculated and deliberate in everything he does. She continues to suck and pull on him, driving him to ecstasy until his body jerks and shudders and he releases into her mouth. Carrie continues to toy with him, leaving gentle kisses across his pelvis, occasionally brushing her lips against his hardness. She slowly draws away and watches him relax again. _He is a beautiful man on every level_ , she thinks. _I’m definitely in trouble_.

Carrie lays face up next to Quinn and sighs, feeling content at knowing she made him feel so good and that there was nowhere else she would rather be at that moment. He opens his eyes to look up at the ceiling.

“Jesus, Carrie…”

She smiles and turns to face him.

“You know we are going to have to get up soon.”

Quinn frowns, feeling a little disappointed that reality was starting to interrupt their lives again.

“Are you going in today?” he asks.

“I kind of need to. Scott and I have a few things to run through and I have some calls.”

“That’s very vague of you,” he responds, but he know it’s how things are now. He sighs and tries to regain some focus.

She smiles, wishing she could tell him more. She misses being able to talk with him about work and strategy. They had been great sounding boards for one another these last couple of years.

“I miss you,” she tells him.

He turns on his side and looks at her.

“I miss us working together,” she says smiling.

He considers this. He misses it too. Quinn loved working with Carrie. He loved the way her brain worked. It both fascinated and inspired him. And Carrie trusted him entirely. They were a perfect mix of superior intelligence, intuition, and experience. They had a mutual respect for each other’s expertise and opinion, not to mention the calming affect Quinn had on Carrie. His composed and level-headed demeanor countered Carrie’s hyper-emotional behavior. Though he could not control her, nor wanted to, he was the one person on the team whom she turned to for advice and usually listened to.

“We _are_ an excellent team,” he says, stroking her arm with his hand.

She stares at him and smiles.

“I know what you’re thinking,” he says.

She smiles, “Oh yeah?”

“You want me to come back as a real analyst.”

“Why not?”

He’s nodding his head ‘no.’

“I told you…I just don’t believe we’re out there doing the right thing.”

“What about working outside the agency, in the private sector? Like with Saul…”

He looks at her with wide eyes and a bit of disbelief.

“Well for one, he hasn’t asked me. And two…”

Carrie waits for him to continue, but he doesn’t really have another excuse. Truthfully the thought had crossed his mind but he had put off thinking about it since his hospitalization. He knows he would have more flexibility with Saul. He could more or less pick and choose the work and assignments, and would likely be able to work with Carrie again.

“I need time to think about it.”

“He asked me….about you.”

“About me?”

“Yes. He knows you’ve wanted out, and after this latest debacle…”

Quinn’s face darkens a little. What went down in Baltimore two weeks prior was more than a fucking debacle. Aside from failing to retrieve the information he was assigned to get, he barely made it out alive and innocent people were hurt and killed. It was an agency mission gone horribly wrong. He was lucky to be alive.

“Quinn?  You okay?”

“What do you know about that?” he asks her.

“Aside from you getting shot up, nothing.”

He looks at her, so wishing he could tell her about the very real threat that was made on several cities on the east coast, about the terror cell thriving in their own backyard, about the Iraqi woman who he refused to fire on even as she pulled a gun on him.

Carrie can tell he’s half there and nestles back against him.

“Think about it…okay?”

“I’ll think about it.”


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

Quinn is opening the door to his condo when he hears his cell ringing on the other side. He's just returning from an early morning run and manages to grab the phone just before it goes to voicemail.

"Yep," he answers breathlessly.

"Peter, it's Saul."

Quinn is silent a moment, chest heaving, and feeling a bit surprised to hear Saul's voice on the other end of the line. It's been many months since he's spoken to or seen him.

"To what do I owe this honor?" Quinn asks, dryly.

Saul, always baffled by Quinn's dry and sometime dark sense of humor, chuckles to himself.

"Cut the bullshit, Peter. You know why I'm calling."

Quinn pulls his sweat-soaked t-shirt off over his head as he walks further into the room and wipes the sweat from his face.

"I didn't expect to hear from you so soon. I've only been out a few weeks."

"That's two weeks too many. I need you back in the game, sooner rather than later."

"Okay - what's the offer?"

"I've got Javahdi still in play in Tehran and I need you overseeing the team on the ground."

"Who's the team?"

"Other than Fara, your choice."

"Fara?! She's still a little green, isn't she?"

"Perhaps. But she's impressed me and she's already got connections there."

Quinn is silent, remembering his former Tehran contacts and wondering if even they're still alive.

"I may have some people there."

"Good. Give me a list to run."

"What about Carrie?" Quinn asks.

"What about Carrie? She's no longer in this."

"You're sure?"

"What's your concern, Peter?"

"She's blown her cover over there, so I don't want her near this."

Saul pauses, a bit curious about his request. He had observed Peter's growing fondness of and concern for Carrie during their time working together, but hadn't been sure if it was more than professional. Peter had never let it get in the way of doing his job, except for that one time. Since then, Saul had been keeping a distant eye on the two of them.

"Saul?"

Saul sighs deeply.

"I need a straight answer from you, Peter. No bullshit. Is there something going on between you and Carrie?"

Quinn doesn't miss a beat. "No sir. I just need your assurance that you have no intention of bringing her back into this."

"Listen, Peter, I know you care about her, probably as much as I do. And you know she doesn't always do what we want her to. But she's a big girl. She doesn't need anyone looking after her."

 _That's where you're wrong, asshole,_ Quinn thinks.  _If your head weren't so far up you own ass you'd realize this is a woman who, as strong and smart as she is, is still human. She is not the robot you want her to be._

"I'll call you back tomorrow with an answer," and he hangs up.

Quinn stares at his phone and scans the living room. He was just starting to get his grounding again - running every morning, no longer smoking. He had just moved into a new condo and purchased some actual furniture. He was even taking care of Margo from time to time and loving every second of it. He knew this lifestyle wasn't going to fulfill him long term but was he ready to give it up? And would he be inadvertently dragging Carrie back into harm's way by joining Saul's team? He glances at his watch and calls Carrie.

"Good morning…" she answers, a smile to her voice.

"Hey, beautiful. Your flight still on time?"

"Yeah – I'm about to board. You're still picking me up?"

"We'll be there."

"Okay." She's quiet, listening to him breathe and picturing him holding the phone. There was something in his voice that worried her.

"You okay?" she asks.

"Yeah," he answers. "Be safe."

"I will."

Carrie hangs up but can't ignore the feeling that something's not right with Quinn.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This story has been so much fun to write, and I feel like there is not much further I can go with it. I hope you enjoy!

After showering, Quinn calls Hannah and asks if he can come over early to pick up Margo. He had planned to get her that evening, just before heading to the airport to pick up Carrie, but was now hoping to spend the day with her. The call with Saul had his mind racing with questions and thoughts and he knew spending time with Margo would help bring some perspective.

“Hi, Peter,” Hannah answers.

“Hey, Hannah.  I know I was scheduled to come over at seven tonight but was hoping I could spend the day with Margo?”

“Sure…come over whenever. You guys can hang here.”

“Great, thanks.”

About an hour later, Quinn arrives at Carrie’s. Hannah greets him at the door and lets him in.

“This is a nice surprise for me, Peter. I can get some more studying done.”

“Is it exam week?”

“Next week is. But I’m behind and can use any extra time I can get. So thanks. What are you guys going to do?”

“I thought I’d take her with me to do some errands. She’s a great shopping companion.”

Hannah smiles. She likes Peter and Carrie a lot. It had been a delight to see their relationship develop these last few months from good friends/colleagues to loving partners. At least that’s what she thought was going on. She wasn’t sure of their past, actually, but it was very clear now that Peter adored Carrie and Margo and wanted to be part of their lives. And Margo clearly loved them both equally.  Hannah just couldn’t figure out why they lived apart.

“Well, call me if you need anything,” Hannah says as she heads for the door.

Peter closes the door behind Hannah, then walks over to the blanket on the floor where Margo is lying and playing with some toys. He lays himself down next to her and watches her intently. _How is she already six months old,_ he wonders as she grabs at items and puts them in her mouth. Margo rolls over onto her side and reaches out to grab at Quinn’s nose and lips and sweetly coos at him. He pulls Margo up off the blanket and raises her over his chest. She squeals with delight every time he pulls her close and then pushes her back up into the air. He smiles broadly and laughs out loud. _This,_ he thinks, _this is bliss._

Later that morning, as Margo naps, Quinn settles into the couch. He gazes out the sliding glass door and recalls the night Carrie was taken by Javadi’s men. The night he failed her. He recalls the fear he felt when he discovered she was gone. He had never felt that kind of fear before and just thinking about it now made his stomach turn. He recalls the anger he felt for not following his instinct and going in sooner to help her.  _Never again_ , he tells himself.

Quinn replays the phone conversation he had with Saul earlier and his offer. _Was it time to get back into the game?_ He thinks about Carrie and Margo, about the promises he had made to himself this last year, about making changes and doing things differently. He wanted to make things right in his life, put an end to all the pain and suffering he caused and felt. With Carrie and Margo now part of his life, he knew now was the time to make those changes. But was Carrie ready for him to make this kind of change, this kind of commitment? Was she ready?

Later that night…

Quinn pulls his Durango into the short term parking area at Dulles International with Margo packed snuggly in her car seat.  He puts the car in park and turns around to check on her.

“Okay, sweet pea, let’s go get her.”

Carrying Margo in her car seat carrier, Quinn enters the international terminal and joins the crowd of people waiting at security for their loved ones. Seeing that Carrie’s flight has landed and is at the gate, he unbuckles Margo from her carrier and lifts her up into his arms and against his chest.  They wait patiently.

Carrie catches sight of them first – Quinn, tall and handsome, lightly bouncing Margo securely in his arms and pressing kisses against her full cheeks as she pulls at his hair. Carrie’s heart fills with joy and she rushes towards them.

Seeing her approach, Quinn opens his arm to pull her in and embraces her against his chest, with Margo nestled tight against them both. Carrie holds them both as if her life depends on it, breathes in in their scents, and feels Quinn’s lips against her temple. They stay like this, just holding each other, for several moments before Carrie pulls away. She looks up at him and kisses him hard on the mouth, then takes Margo from his arms and hugs her.

“Oooh my Mags, how are you sweet thing?”

Quinn stands back and watches them and wonders how he ever existed before this. What the hell had he been doing all those years? This woman, this child – who was not even his own – this is what mattered. He smiles so broadly you can see the joy in his eyes, the dimples in his face. Carrie turns to him.

“God I missed you, you have no idea.”

“Yeah I do,” he tells her, and he picks up Carrie’s bags and wraps his free arm around her shoulder. They walk together as a unit towards the exit.

Back at Carrie’s condo…

Margo is asleep in her car seat by the time they walk through the door. Carrie gently unbuckles her and brings her upstairs to her crib, lays her down, then quietly leaves the room. She returns downstairs to the kitchen, where Quinn is pouring them wine. She walks up from behind, hugs him and presses her cheek against his shoulder. She sighs, so glad to be home with him and Margo again. Quinn closes his eyes and savors the feeling of her arms wrapped around him. Placing the bottle of wine down, Quinn turns to face her and pulls her in against his chest and holds her. He breathes her in, relishing the sweet smell of her hair, and plants a soft kiss atop her head. Carrie lifts her face up to his and he gently kisses her. They had been apart just one week but it felt like an eternity.

Carrie moans as her hands press up against his chest. Her touch instantly sends a shock of arousal through Quinn. His cock twitches and his hands pull her hips closer against him. A groan escapes him as he feels the softness of her ass cupped in his hands, her pelvis pressing up against him.

“Fuck, I missed you,” he tells her.

“Show me…” she whispers against his lips.

Quinn smiles and with his mouth still pulling at hers, begins unbuttoning her shirt. His lips graze her cheek, her temple, her ear, then move to her jawline, her neck. He lets her shirt fall from her shoulders to the floor, then pulls the strap of her bra to the side and kisses her bare shoulder. Carrie closes her eyes and drops her head back. How she missed his gentle touch. Quinn’s mouth and tongue trace her collarbone and then move back up her neck to her mouth. She braces her hands against the counter’s edge, and arching her back, pushes her breasts closer to him. Taking this as an invitation, Quinn unclasps her bra and lowers his mouth down to envelop her nipple. Carrie moans sweetly as Quinn sucks, then nips the hard bud. Carrie’s hands return to his head, her fingers grasping his hair. She can feel the muscles inside her begin to tense and raises a leg to wrap around his hip, bringing him in closer. Quinn moves his mouth to her other breast and with his free hand, unclasps Carrie’s pants. He slips his hand between her thighs and finds her already so wet and ready for him. He raises his head to return to her lips, and Carrie kisses him hard, her tongue deep in his mouth. She pulls her leg higher against his back and grinds herself against his hand, but he pulls it back away from her.

“No…” he whispers, his eyes piercing.

Quinn pulls Carrie’s pants down to her ankles and helps steady her while she steps out of them. She helps him remove his shirt and begins to unclasp his jeans, but he pushes her hands away.

“Not yet…” he tells her.

Lifting Carrie onto the kitchen counter, Quinn spreads her knees then lowers his head between her legs. She closes her eyes and leans back against the counter, allowing her body to fully relax. His tongue finds her clit and slowly begins to skillfully lap it. Carrie’s body continues to tense with each flick of his tongue, her breathing becoming louder and more rapid. Quinn increases his pace and pressure with his tongue, until her hips begin to rise towards him, her body on the verge of cumming. As she calls out his name, he grabs her by the hips, pulls her towards him and drives his tongue deep inside her. She shutters against his mouth, her whole body quivering.

Quinn gently kisses the softness of the inside of her thigh as Carrie lies back on the counter and begins to catch her breath. He stands, his cock now fully stiff, gazes down at her for a moment before scooping her into his arms. She laughs from the shear bliss she’s feeling and covers his face with kisses as he swiftly carries her to the living room. He sits himself on the couch then brings Carrie to straddle him. He looks intently into her smiling, blue eyes and with his hand on the back of her neck, pulls her to him and kisses her deeply. Though she is still in a relaxed state of bliss, she eagerly raises her hips and slides down on him, filling herself with his hard cock.

“Fuck…” he groans, and Carrie winces from the sheer fullness.

Wanting to pleasure Quinn as he had just done to her, she begins slowly rocking her hips, sliding herself up and down on him, but he holds her hips still and stops her.

“Not yet…” he says with a grin.

Quinn returns to Carrie’s nipples, taking one in his mouth and the other between his fingers, and pulls and pinches them, sending another piercing ache to her loins. She closes her eyes, relaxes her neck, and allows her body to come alive again. Her mouth opens as her breath starts to quicken.

“Fuck me, Quinn…” she begs.

Releasing his grasps on Carrie’s breasts, Quinn holds her hips and begins to slowly move in and out of her. It takes every ounce of restraint to hold himself back but he’s determined to make her cum again. She begins to move with him, pushing down on him with his every thrust. Their pace quickens and their bodies start to glisten with sweat. Carrie leans back, her hands grabbing her ankles, as Quinn drives deeper and deeper, faster and faster into her. He can feel her body tense and tighten around him.

“Quinn…” she begs him.

It’s all he needs to hear from her. Quinn grabs Carrie’s waist and pulls her down closer to him so his face is now buried against her chest. He finally releases with a few final, penetrating thrusts into her and their bodies both explode as they cling to one another.

Carrie and Quinn hold one another a few moments longer, both breathless and chests heaving.  He pulls back, smooths Carrie’s hair away from her face, and looks into her eyes. Carrie smiles broadly and kisses him.

“Excellent show, my love,” she tells him.

Carrie rolls off Quinn and pulls the blanket off the back of the couch to cover them. They lie back, Carrie now curled up next to him, her hand resting on his chest, his arm wrapped around her shoulders. They lie silently together for a few moments, enjoying the afterglow.

Quinn eventually rises, pulls on his jeans again, and brings in the glasses of wine from the kitchen as Carrie pulls on her panties and Quinn’s t-shirt.  Sitting back on the couch, Carrie turns to face him.

“I’ve been thinking…” she starts, pausing to take a sip of her wine.

“Uh oh,” and he smirks at her.

“What do you think about us getting a place together?”

Quinn is stunned, pleasantly, but still stunned. He had thought about this a lot but was not going to push it on Carrie yet, feeling she needed more time and space. But he cannot hide his happiness.

“Our own place? The three of us?”

“I’ve thought a lot about this. It’s silly that we have our separate places when we’re together every free moment. ”

“You’re sure about this?”

“I want a life with you, Quinn. A life with you and Margo. We could find a new place, something fresh and new.”

“What about work…us? This is going to raise some eyebrows at the agency.”

“Well, that’s the other thing I wanted to talk to you about…I got a call from the university while I was in Istanbul.”

“As in Georgetown?”

“Yes. They want me to join their Security Studies program.”

“You mean, teach?”

“Yes…as in Professor Mathison,” she says with some laughter.

Quinn smiles. He thinks it’s fucking fantastic. It would pull Carrie out of the shit world of the CIA, out of constant danger, provide her more stability and time with Margo, plus decrease the stress in her life.

“What do you think?” she asks him.

“I think it’s fucking great!” and he pulls her in to kiss her.

“You’re sure?” she asks.

“Yes.”

“I was hoping you’d say that,” she tells him as he hugs her close.

“So I guess I should tell you about my conversation with Saul.”

“What?!”

Carrie sits upright and stares at Quinn. He is amazed at how quickly her face went from joyful to complete darkness.

“Hold on…take a breath,” he urges her and takes her hands in his.

 _So this is why he sounded so strange on the phone_ , she thinks. Carrie inhales deeply and closes her eyes. _Okay, calm down…don’t go there again._

“Okay…tell me about your conversation with Saul,” she says with a steady voice.

“He asked me to oversee his team in Tehran, to continue with Javadi.”

Carrie is now stunned and utterly speechless. Quinn can see all this in her eyes so quickly continues.

“I’m not going to do it,” he tells her.

Carrie isn’t sure what to think or feel. Relief? Fear? She tries to ignore the panic and just focus on what Quinn is saying.

“But I was thinking I could do some local consulting with him, or maybe with Academi. I’ve got all these skills and experience and if I can use it for the greater good and help provide for our family…”

He stops at the realization that he inadvertently referred to Carrie and Margo as his family.

“What did you just say?” Carrie asks him, a smile coming across her face.

Quinn doesn’t know what to say. He himself is shocked the words came out of his mouth. Of course it’s something he wants but he had never expressed before. So he closes his eyes for a moment, takes a breath, and grasps Carrie’s hands again.

“I know you don’t need me taking care of you, Carrie. I know that. But I love you. And I love Margo. And nothing would make me happier than to build a life with the two of you.”

She sits in stunned silence and looks at him.

“Quinn…I…” but she stops, bows her head and looks at their grasped hands.

 _God, please say something_ , he thinks.

Carrie looks up at him and into his beautiful, blue eyes. She studies his face…the stubble coming in above his lip and under his chin, the shadows framing his cheekbones, his tousled hair. She studies his calloused hands, grasped so firmly and warm around hers. She smiles and looks in his eyes again.

“I love you, too.” 


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The story of Carrie and Quinn's new life continues with them living together in a new home, Carrie teaching at Georgetown and Quinn consulting with Saul. Margo is now a toddler. But nothing ever stays the same and new challenges present themselves.

Carrie flips off the bathroom light switch, walks back into the bedroom and climbs into bed. She lies there, staring up at the ceiling thinking about what she is about to tell Quinn. She feels both nervous and giddy as she waits.  Quinn soon strolls into the bedroom from having just put Margo, now two and a half, down for the night.

“She’s out – snoring just like her mother,” he teases as he climbs into the bed and wraps his arm around Carrie.

She turns to face him and kisses him gently on the lips, then pulls back. She gazes at him seriously and takes a deep breath.

“I’m late.”

Quinn’s heart stops. He knows well enough what that means.

He looks at her intently and calmly asks, “How late?”

“Just a few days. But I’m never late.”

“Okay,” he says calmly. “Do you want to get a test?”

“Yeah,” she tries to respond casually. “I’ll pick one up in the morning.”

Quinn pulls off the blankets and climbs out of the bed. He starts dressing.

“What are you doing?” she asks.

“You know neither one of us is going to sleep a wink until we know. I’m going to run down to CVS.”

He pulls a shirt over his head and starts walking towards the bedroom door, then quickly turns back to Carrie, leans down, and kisses her.

“I’ll be right back,” he tells her with a broad smile on his face.

 

During the 20 minutes Quinn is gone, Carrie tries to busy herself so as not to worry. She reorganizes the items in the medicine cabinet, refolds the towels just so. Quinn didn’t seem worried or upset. In fact, he acted remarkably calm. Although, that was his M.O. He was never one to sweat, no matter how crazy or chaotic the moment.

They had discussed having another child very casually, almost jokingly, a few times but had never come to any real agreement. The idea of caring for another child seemed impossible. It was already such a challenge to juggle their two jobs and Margo, though having Hannah’s help did help immensely. And thank God Quinn was as hands-on with Margo as he was. He had really become Margo’s father figure and relished the role. But did she have enough room in her heart for another child? How could she possibly love more? Then again, the idea of having another child, Quinn’s child, seemed impossibly wonderful. The mere thought made her smile.

Carrie hears to front door close, followed by the sound of Quinn bounding up the stairs. He appears in the bedroom door, somewhat breathless and holding a plastic bag from CVS.

“You okay?” Carrie asks with a smile and laughing at him.

“Yeah. I’m good….here.”  Quinn quickly hands her the bag. He is practically jumping out of his skin.

Carrie retreats to the bathroom, closes the door behind her. Quinn sits down on the bed, and waits.

A few minutes later, the bathroom door opens and Carrie appears.

“Positive…”

Quinn smiles broadly.

“You sure?”

“Yup,” and she holds up the stick to show him the “+” sign.

Carrie’s face lights up. Quinn stands and slowly approaches Carrie and takes her by the waist, then pulls her to him.

“A baby,” he says gently, his forehead resting against hers. He kisses her.

Carrie wraps her arms around Quinn, but says nothing, still feeling slightly nervous about the whole idea. Quinn pulls back and looks down at her.

“Aren’t you happy?” he asks.

“Yes, of course...but…we never talked about this. Are you okay with it?”

“God yes…are you kidding me?” and he pulls her in again and embraces her warmly.

They laugh together then fall back into the bed. Quinn rolls over Carrie so he is now looking down on her. He brushes her hair to the side and studies her face.

“She’ll have your eyes…maybe my dashing smile.”

Carrie smiles, but Quinn can see the worry in her eyes.

“What’s going on in that head of yours?” he asks.

“I’m just…worried…you know…about passing on my bipolar disorder.”

She is quiet and looks away.

“Hey,” he smooths her hair again. “You’re not alone here, Carrie. This baby…and Margo…we’re in this together.”

Carrie looks at him, thankful for his words, and his love, but is still worried.

“No matter what these kids throw at us…we’re going to tackle it…together, okay?”

She nods, her throat closing and tears welling up in her eyes.

“Carrie,” Quinn says gently. “This baby – WE made it. You and me and our love. Let’s focus on that, okay?”

She nods and leans forward to kiss him.

Carrie and Quinn make slow, passionate love that night. With every kiss and every caress, he hopes to wash away her fears and doubts. He wants to her feel safe and secure and loved. And she knows this. She can feel this in his gentle touch, she can see it in his eyes. He would do anything for her, and anything for Margo and the baby growing inside her. She feels blessed.


	20. Chapter 20

The next morning both Carrie and Quinn are tired and slow as they dress and ready themselves for the day. They had talked into the wee hours of the night, discussing how another child would fit into their lives, what it would mean for them, their jobs, their home, and what it would mean for Margo. As they talked and then later tried to sleep, Quinn's mind kept returning to an idea he had been mulling over for a few months now. 

With a coffee mug in one hand and Margo holding tight to her other, Carrie makes her way out the front door of the house and meets Hannah as she walks up the front walkway.

"Good morning, Miss Margo!" Hannah says sweetly.

"Good morning, Hannah," Carrie replies.

Hannah squats down to Margo and gives her a hug.

"She's eaten breakfast and used the potty. You have a playdate with Charlie at 10:00a at their place….Let's see….Oh, and…"

Hannah cuts Carrie off to finish her sentence.

"…and a doctor's appointment at 3:00p. I know. I'll get her down for a nap beforehand. We'll see you tonight."

Carrie smiles at how well Hannah knows both her and Margo. She really does make their lives so much better, and easier. Thank God for Hannah. Carrie leans down and scoops Margo up into her arms.

"Mommy loves you very much. Have fun with Charlie, okay? I'll see you guys soon."

Margo kisses Carrie, then wiggles her way down into a standing position and runs into the yard.

"Thanks, Hannah," Carrie calls over her shoulder as she heads for her car.

===

Around noon, Hannah's phone rings and upon picking it up off the coffee table, sees that it's Quinn calling.

"Hi, Peter."

"Hannah! I'm so glad I got you. Listen, I need your help with something tonight. Can you keep Margo out of the house until about 8:00p?"

Hannah is a little confused by the urgency in Quinn's voice.

"Is everything okay?" she asks.

"Yeah, I just need some time alone with Carrie. It's a surprise so please don't let her know. Just tell her…tell her a friend asked you guys to stay for dinner or something, okay?"

"Sure…we'll figure it out."

"Thank you, Hannah. Just please try to arrive right around 8:00p."

"Sure…we'll see you then." 

Hannah hangs up, still perplexed by the request but assumes it's all good. Maybe it was their anniversary or something.

===

It's 7:00p and Peter waits anxiously in the living room of the two bedroom home he shares with Carrie and Margo. They had moved in almost two years ago. A beautifully renovated Federal-style home within walking distance of the university. It fit their lifestyle so perfectly - allowing them quiet privacy, access to great restaurants and the river where they could run and walk. Plus with Quinn now working with Saul, he was just a short drive to DCA where he could hop a plane to New York in a moments notice.

He had called Carrie earlier to tell her he would meet her at home and would have dinner ready. He did not tell her they would be alone.

A few minutes after 7:00p, Carrie walks in the door and immediately sees the house is darkened and a glow is coming from the living room. She walks cautiously further into the house and finds Quinn, standing there, fire in the fireplace, and a bottle of wine chilling on the coffee table.

"Isn't it a little warm out for a fire?" she asks, a smile creeping across her face. _What was he up to?_

"Maybe. It's supposed to get chillier later….come here," he says reaching his hand out to her.

Carrie drops her bag on the floor and approaches Quinn. He hands her a glass of wine and kisses her gently on the lips.

"What's going on?" she asks with more curiosity. 

Quinn takes Carrie's empty hand and guides her over to the couch. They sit facing each other, Carrie now feeling a little nervous and anxious.

"Quinn…what's going on?"

"Remember that night you called me in a panic…when Margo was about two months old and had a fever?"

"Yeah…" Carrie half laughs and half groans at the memories of that night. "God that was an awful night…until you got there."

Quinn smiles and looks down at their hands, fingers now entwined.

"That night was a turning point in our relationship…to me at least."

Carrie smiles, "how so?"

"It was the first time you really let me into your personal life. I mean, really let me in…you let me see you in a personal crisis, in your home, and you allowed me to help you..and Margo. Before that night, you kind of held me at a distance."

Carrie nods silently. He was right, of course. Though she had felt an emotional closeness to Quinn before then, she had tried to keep it very professional.

"Yeah, I guess I did."

"I knew, when we were sitting there exhausted on the couch, with your head on my lap…I knew I was falling in love with you…and that I was screwed."

They laugh together.

"I remember lying there and feeling so scared about…about everything…and feeling like I was so alone," she admits.

She looks at him.

"And then thinking, but here you are…you came. You helped me. No questions asked. You just jumped right in to my mess of a life."

Tears well up in Carrie's eyes. 

"Carrie…" Quinn starts, "I am so happy…and I am so in love with you…and Margo."

"I love you, too, Peter. I can't imagine a day without you."

Quinn swallows hard and takes a deep breath in.

"I'd like…" He pauses.

"I want to make Margo and you a permanent part of my life. I want to adopt Margo…and make you my wife."

Carrie starts to open her mouth but she is speechless. It was a lot of take in.

"Are you asking me to marry you?" she whispers.

"Yes…will you marry me…and let me adopt Margo as my daughter?"

The shock almost overtakes her. She lowers her eyes, overwhelmed by the joy, and lets the tears stream down her face. How could a man be so generous and unwavering with his love?

Quinn reaches out and cradles her chin in his hands, then raises Carrie's face to meet his eyes.

"Please…say yes…"

Carrie opens her eyes to look at him through all her tears and nods fervently. 

"Yes…yes to everything…yes, yes yes!"

Quinn pulls Carrie toward him and kisses her deeply, as she wraps her arms around him and holds him tight.

===

A few minutes after 8:00p, they hear the front door open and Margo runs into the living room to them. Quinn lifts her into his lap and kisses her chubby cheek and squeezes her close.

"I didn't interrupt, did I?" Hannah asks.

"Not at all, Hannah. You arrived just in time to help us celebrate."

Hannah tilts her head and smiles. "Celebrate?"

"We've decided to get married!" Carrie exclaims.

"And I'm going to adopt Margo," Peter adds.

"Whas abop?"

"Adopt - it means I get to keep you forever and ever!" he tells her with another squeeze.

 


	21. Chapter 21

The next morning, Quinn and Carrie are up and getting ready for the day. Quinn is speaking to Carrie from the shower as she stands in front of the mirror applying moisturizer to her face.

“So when do you think we should do this?” he calls from the shower stall.

“I don’t know…I don’t want anything fancy, just us, and my Dad, Maggie, Bill and the girls. Ok?” she asks.

“I know….”

Quinn turns off the water, steps out of the shower stall, grabs a towel and briefly dries his face before wrapping a towel around his waist. He steps behind Carrie and watches her in the mirror, admiring her grace and beauty.

“How about next weekend?” he asks her gently, bending down to kiss her cheek.

Carrie smiles. Of course he knows what she wants, what she needs. She turns towards him and wraps her arms around his waist.

“Next weekend is perfect. Let me just call Maggie and my Dad.”

She kisses him briefly then releases her arms from around Quinn and strolls into their bedroom to dress.

“I was thinking.” Quinn continues, “why don’t you come up to NY afterwards, we can make it a little honeymoon. Maybe have dinner with Saul and Mira?”

“That would be nice…” she responds as she pulls a blouse over her head.

He pauses…trying to choose his words and timing carefully.

“I was also thinking of calling my parents.”

Carrie turns her head to look at him. His parents? Quinn had not mentioned his family in years. All she knew of them was what he told her late one night during a power outage.

 

FLASHBACK

“This reminds me of the time we lost power for a week in Philly, growing up.”

“Yeah?” she asks quietly, staring at the flames dancing in the fireplace.

“There was this hurricane and it knocked out power for almost a week. My parents tried to make an adventure of it. We broke out every blanket and tent and built these forts in the family room and camped out in front of the fireplace for days. “

“Just you and your parents?”

“And my older sister.”

“I didn’t know you had a sister. Are you still in touch with her?”

Quinn grows quiet and takes a deep breath.

“She died…when I was 16.”

Carrie remains quiet, waiting for him to say more.

“If you don’t want to talk about it, I understand…”

“No…it’s okay. I haven’t been trying to hide this from you, it’s just…it’s hard to talk about it.”

Carrie stays silent, giving Quinn the space to speak when he’s ready.

“She committed suicide when she was twenty. People thought it was over a guy but she had been struggling for a while. She was in therapy, on meds…”

“Was she depressed?”

He nods.

“She was bi-polar.”

Carrie’s heart sinks and she drops her head. Jesus.

“Peter…” there is both sorrow and anger in her voice.

“Why have you never told me this? This is kind of big…”

“I know…”

“I mean…Jesus…”

Quinn can see the emotional struggle in Carrie’s face.

“No, Carrie. It’s not like that. Come on… I’m not making up for the past.”

She stares at him, somewhat in disbelief.

“Listen, it was a dark time for me, for my entire family. After she died, I shut everyone out. My parents shut down. We just fell apart. I got angry at the world, at her, at them….”

“And you’ve been trying to reconcile this ever since,” she tells him.

He stares at her, silently.

“Maybe.”

Maybe his connection to Carrie was more than love, more than attraction. Maybe it was his unconscious way of coming to grips with the death of his sister.

“Carrie, that is all in the past. I’ve moved on. I’ve never been happier.”

Quinn reaches out and pulls Carrie back close to him, hugging her between his outstretched legs.

“I know that.”

They sit in silence a few moments.

 

RETURN TO PRESENT DAY

“So why do you want to visit your parents now…after all this time?”

He looks away from her and stares off into the distance.

“Because I’m happy. I want them to see that. And I want them to meet the people that have helped change me.”

“Me and Margo…”

“Yes, and now this little one.”

He reaches out to hold her waist and pulls her in towards him.

“I’m a father now. And I think I have a better understanding of what they might have felt back then.”

She smiles up at him and looks at him intently.

“I can’t even begin…” she says.

“I know. I’m sure me disappearing from their lives didn’t help. As if losing one child wasn't enough.”

Carrie looks in Quinn’s eyes, smiles and lays a hand on his cheek.

“Alright, let’s do it.”


	22. Chapter 22

Later that afternoon, Quinn steals a quiet moment at work, closes his office door, and pulls his cell phone from his pocket. He thoughtfully opens the top drawer to his desk, and takes out a pad of paper with a phone number scribbled across it. He stares at the number wondering how to do this. How do you just say hello after walking away and disappearing? After 15 years of silence?

He dials the number…one ring….two rings….three…

“Hello?” says a woman in a sing-songy voice.

“Mom?....”

Silence fills the air.

“Mom…it’s Pete….”

“Who is this?” she asks quietly in disbelief.

“It’s Peter, Mom…your son.”

More silence as Patti Quinn’s head tries to wrap itself around what is happening, around the somewhat familiar sound of her son’s voice, and the idea, the possibility, that he is alive and on the other end of the line.

“Peter?” she whispers.

Then there is a shuffling, the sound of a man’s voice in the background, dogs barking.

“Mom?”

“Who is this?”

This time it’s a man’s voice asking, and it’s angry and demanding.

“Dad?….Dad, it’s me. It’s Pete. ..”

“Peter? “ There is gravity to his voice.

“Is it really you?”

“Yeah Dad.”

“Good God…Peter….where have you…how are….where are you?”

John Quinn cannot formulate the words. Too many questions. Too many years.

“Dad, I’m in D.C… and I’m fine.”

Quinn stands up from his office chair, walks over to the window and glances out over the parking lot.

“Peter…”

“I want to see you….you and Mom.”

“Of course! Yes…”

Quinn smiles and looks down at the ground as relief fills his heart.

“Pete, are you okay? Are you safe?”

“Yeah, Dad. I am. I’m fine.”

More silence as the two men wrestle with the words and emotions being exchanged.

“Listen, there’s a lot I need to tell you, but for now I’m fine. Can I see you next Sunday?”

“Next Sunday?” John Quinn looks at his stunned wife who stands next to him, holding his arm. She nods voraciously.

“Yes. We’ll make it happen. We’ll be here…same old house in Wayne.”

“Good. And I’m bringing some important people with me.”

“Okay…we’ll be here, Pete.”

“Good. I’ll see you then.”

“Pete?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too, Dad.”

Quinn ends the call and stares down at the phone. He smiles feeling a sense of peace, relief, and happiness. He stares out the window again, thinking about what he thinks will be a joyous reunion. He then calls Carrie.

“Hey…” she answers.

“Hi. So, we’re confirmed with my parents, next Sunday.”

“You spoke with them?” she asks with some surprise.

“Yeah, well, with my Dad, really. I think my mom was in shock. But they’re expecting us.”

“Wow! How did it go? Were they surprised?”

Quinn winces and looks out his window again.

“Yeah. But they want to see me…us. I told them I’d have others with me.”

“Okay…now I’m nervous.”

“Don’t be. They’ll love you. And they haven’t seen me in years so it’s a great time to meet them,” he chuckles.

Carrie smiles over the phone. He’s right. She’s the girl bringing their son back home. That has to be good.

“I spoke with Dad and Maggie, they’re in for next Saturday morning and Maggie wants to have us over for brunch after. Did you call the court house?”

“Yeah – we have a 9:30a appointment. And I’m picking up the license Thursday morning.”

Carrie sighs heavily, and blows the hair away from her face.

“I’m excited…now that we’re doing this, it just can’t happen soon enough.”

“I know, babe,” he assures her and smiles. “Listen, I gotta run. See you tonight.”

“Love you…” she tells him, then hangs up.


	23. Chapter 23

Later, that night after dinner, after Margo is asleep, Carrie and Quinn settle into the couch in their living room. Carrie hands Quinn a cold beer, tucks one foot underneath her and turns to face him.

“So…let’s talk about what happened with your parents…I don’t want any surprises next weekend.”

Quinn smiles and nods in agreement, but sighs loudly at the huge task before him. Though he had given Carrie bits and pieces of his past – the subject of his parents had never really been discussed at length.

“Okay…well, by the end of high school…”

“The Hill School, right?”

He nods ‘yes.’

“…we were barely functioning as a family. We put on a good face for everyone, but everything was very superficial. When no one was looking, we retreated to our corners of the house or wherever we could escape. For me it was my extracurricular activities…clubs, sports…college couldn’t come soon enough.”

 “Were you at least on good terms with them?” Carrie asks.

He scoffs. The sadness of that period begins to resurface and Quinn pauses to think.

“I was just trying to be the perfect son and make up for the loss of my sister. I had a 4.0, was heading to Harvard, planned to join ROTC like my Dad had…but nothing mattered. They were so broken.”

Quinn pauses for another moment, replaying the memories over in his head.

“So you went…” Carrie says, encouraging him to continue.

“So I left for Harvard that Fall and just engrossed myself in my studies. It was the best thing for me…just creating a new identity for myself and forgetting what I left behind.”

“Did they come visit?” Carrie asks.

“At first, yes. But after the first Parents Weekend, things changed. They saw how well I was doing up there, and I think they knew I was better off without them and all the pain that they carried around. I rarely went home to visit. In fact, by my second year I was spending all my breaks abroad studying and traveling.”

“They must have missed you…didn’t they reach out to you?”

“On occasion, sure. But they were a mess and I don’t know…I selfishly didn’t want them in my life.”

 “I get it…” Carrie says, thinking about her own fucked up family relationships. You do whatever you need to do to survive.

They both take a moment to sip their drinks.

“Were you still angry?” she asks.

“Yeah, but by that point I was channeling it more productively…ROTC was my lifesaver.”

“I’ve heard that one before…” Carrie adds, know the military is often the catalyst for calming the chaos in people’s lives.

“That’s where it became clear to me what I wanted for my future. I thrived in the order, the discipline, the physical challenges. And was a natural in marksmanship.”

“So that’s where it all began…” Carrie says.

Quinn smiles and raises his beer to clink her cup.

“Harvard ROTC.”

She smiles and laughs at him. They both take a drink.

“So all this time, they just thought you’ve been traveling the world with the military?”

“Kind of. After graduation, I told them I had been recruited to join a Special Forces program and would not be communicating much with them. My dad got it…he wasn’t happy about it because he understood I was more or less disappearing. But at that point, what could he do?”

“Ah…hence the goodbye of ‘Peter Quinn’…”

 “Yeah…and ’hello, John Anderson’…though really I didn’t go black ops until several years later.” Quinn finishes.

She recalls the intense conversation she and Quinn had long ago about his black ops days, his alias, John Anderson, and meeting Julia during that period. Carrie starts to put the pieces together.

“So your parents don’t know about your son and Julia?” she asks.

“No…I mean, I barely knew about my son.”

He stops and looks across the room.

“I was different person back then, Carrie. My job, the work I did, it had me so disciplined and focused, I couldn’t see anything outside of that context. Not even my own child…certainly not my parents. Nothing else mattered.”

He shakes his head in disgust.

Carrie slowly nods her head as the picture of Quinn’s past becomes clearer. He had been a ghost for so long, to so many...to himself, even. This reunion with his parents was going to be intense. She reaches across and grasps his arm in an effort to comfort him.

“I did miss them,” he continues. “I just hope they’ll forgive me.”

Carrie puts her tea down on the table and scooches closer to close the distance between them. She brings her hand to Quinn’s face and caresses his cheekbone, then kisses him gently. She looks into his eyes and sees so much sadness and wishes she could make it disappear.

“I’m sure they’re hoping you’ll forgive them, too.”

Quinn’s throat starts to tighten as the pain sinks deeper. He reaches to Carrie and with his hand on the back of her neck he pulls her in to embrace her. His lips grazing the side of her cheek, then search for her mouth. She can sense his hunger, his desire to feed the emptiness inside him. She gently pushes him back into the couch and brings herself to straddle him.

“Let me make love to you…” she whispers against his lips.

He does not resist her request and relaxes his body just slightly to give himself over to her. She sits upright, on top of him, and slowly unbuttons his shirt. Quinn watches her every move but resists the urge to pull her to him. She pulls open his shirt and grazes her hands over his chest and down his stomach, then leans over him to find his lips again. She is slow and gentle with Quinn, wanting only to bring him comfort. It’s not long before Carrie slides herself down onto him and begins slowly rocking her hips. Quinn, his eyes still focused on Carrie, pulls her closer and kisses her deeply.

“You are my everything, Carrie…” he breathes against her mouth.

His words, his touch, his pain…they melt her, and soon they’re movements are in sync, both desperate to fill the other’s emptiness...


End file.
